live journal.

I've decided that I am not going to write in here for a while.
Lately I've been using Live Journal and I sort of like its privacy settings more.
So find me on there.
GirlNCaptivity

Steady in a sea storm.

Today is sunday april 18.
This past week was probably one of the best ones I've had since being out here.
Lover 1 yr was great, and so was the aquarium, but the best part was just getting to see kaela so much.
Since kaela didnt approve of spray paint or tree carving we chalked a master piece that has already been washed away by the rain.

I dont really know what to say right now, things are going decent, getting a job isnt happening, I dont know what else really.

underpressure.

A lot of things right now seem to be bitter sweet.
I hate that things are starting to go decently for a while and at the same time I know that unstability is right around the corner.

I think this feeling is from knowing that I know what I'm going to choose.
and it feels like the best and right choice for me to make.

Today at its end was a million times better then when I woke up today with its expectations.
I saw kaela and hungout with lacie and zac, i really enjoy both of them.

Lover 1yr is coming up,
I need to get some spray paint.
and I have no idea what to get kaela.
hrrrmmm.

Ill tie my handlebars to the stars so i stay on track.

So right now I am sitting out in this tree park place that I come to a lot, usually i bring my doodle journal and write in and such but today i figured id give this blog something with substance woth reading for the first time in a while.

when i came to this park a little while ago the grass was all wet and I sat down next to this tree anyway knowing it would get my pants all dirty, so now i am sitting here feeling sort of lonely and with a wet butt, but its so pretty out and I have nothing to do.
I feel sort of like an animal at the zoo lately everyone is just gawking and tapping on the glasss between us but no one really cares.
I've been feeling rather detached to a lot of things and in a way its probably one of the best things for me other wise id be incredibly sad right now and instead i am just uber focused I know what I need to do and I'm doing it.
there are so many things that i want right now and I have none of them
lately ive just been looking around and seeing how everyone else i used to know and even the ones i do are living there lives, making progress in them, even if that does mean they are only in love and popping out kids, in a way i am envious of that.
I am sitting in a park alone in NM and I dont have much going for me, but things seem like they have potential I will get up for the let down.
i miss jacob, i miss jesse, i miss my grandma.

Options.

I feel like I've got options, its a weird feeling going from feeling like you are just walking down a long rd completely lost and all along youve really had these other choices you didnt realize.
I know that i want to go home, I dont nessisarly want to go back next month though.
Im thinking right now that if I did go back I could have both my my jobs back and I would be able to get set up rather quickly on my own, but id have to go back to my moms for a while and Id have to rely on her and that is something I dont want so Im trying to figure out a way I can avoid that, even though it seems impossible.
right now I feel like I could go futher going back then stay here in NM.
if i stay here i would have a job and Id be happy to see kaela but i dont really see much more then that, and I need to think about what is best for me over all.
So now I am just trying to figure out when exactly I want to go back. if I wait till november then relying on my mom for transportaion would be sketchy and probably unsuccessful and if I go back at some point during the summer then hopefully Id be able to at least drive myself by winter...idk I dont want to go back yet maybe in july? I have not decided but i am itching to go back to college and feel some progress in my life, right now I just feel like i am waisting time.

all this time and everythings changed, but i still feel the same.

I have neglected you. I have been posting else wheres and not really at all for this past week, jesse went home about 22 hours ago and I miss her crazy amounts, I walk around feeling like something is missing.
its funny how sometimes you dont realize that you need or are lacking something until it has to go back to michigan for there own life :/
These last few weeks havent been great and that isnt to say i didnt have an awesome time whith jesse, she is probably why I didnt end myself by now.
Ive been job hunting and friend probleming and getting marooner everyday.
I havent found my footing here yet, and Im not sure if this is just a stepping stone.
I've spent 5 months prepairing to come here and going home would mean a long while before everything is potentially alright. and staying here I need a job baaaaaad and to meet someone I actually have a connection with..
Right now all I want is to work, live on my own, see jesse, see kaela and go back to college and I cant bottle that.
Im trying really hard to get a job here though cause if and when I do go back to MI i want it to be because I chose too.

I wish I knew how to make myself happier lately Ive just been getting these random single tears along with a lump in my throat at odd moments.
no wonder my stomach is a bottomless pit. I am never full of hungry.

Bullshit.

this is all such complete bullshit.
It keeps hurting and I dont want to deal with it.
I shouldnt have to deal with it.
I'm seriously debating going back to MI,
this is not the future I want.

3/18

I am feeling rather rough tonight.
and I have no one to talk to since anyone I would want to talk to is either busy or sleeping with a life sized batman doll.
I am so lonely out here that it makes me angry and it was the same back in michigan.
it doesnt go away, moving didnt help.
I honestly dont know what to do.
I just want to show everyone that they are wrong, and I can do this,
but I am so tired of fighting.
I do what I do because I dont have anyother choice,

I am so tired of being alone all of the time.
and this lonliness just makes me not want to be around anyone.


no one really understands.I cant even explain this right.

Am I wrong.

I'm so tired of my room and sleep comes with a knife fork and a spoon.

Once again brand new has my heart.
I'm in sort of an odd mood, lonely and I want to be alone.
Not talk to anyone.
I cant wait till next week is over.
I cant wait till jesse is here,
I cant wait till I get a job, hopefully soon.

The future is tearing us apart as we speak. :/

I've got a feeling...

I am laying here in the sort of state that I am just smiling, and I have nothing different to smile about, but I feel sort of unstoppable.
Life is so unstable and beautiful and unfair and over all good?
Theres no places like home, take me home city streets or country roads_ The time travelers wife.

March madness.

Well march is half way over now, its technicly lover 11 months today even though I havent been to bed tonight, I have a feeling I wont be getting much sleep but I really need to fix my sleeping habbits, and now that Ive got my ssc I am going to start trying to get a job, because like it or not I need one to stay out here, and also it would help giving me something to do and hopefully a bit with the social life. Jesse is coming here for spring break and I am very excited about that, I feel so special.
I have been pretty upbeat about being out here, but sometimes I get overly lonely to the point I want to blow my brains out. i am not one that does well on my own for extended periods of time.

I have been talking to amanda again for the first time in over a year, and that makes me smile.

Lucky to have been where I have been, I wish we were there now. you will you will you will, lucky Im in love with my best friend.

Vagina Girl, Amandabareee

I have been slacking at writing in here, and it not because I have been too busy, just rather absent minded, I have been writing still just in ink. I have been lost in my own thoughts a lot lately, thinking about the past.Kaela recently brought up a girl from my past, she likes to call her my vagina girl, but shes always been so much more then that to me, I found her recently and I have been talking to her again, it is sort of predictable how all those old feelings come right back to the surface, I am not falling for her again, but I am falling into the past I wish I were there with her again. It took me so long to even want to be in a relationship with anyone else, till recently , and now I just feel all mixed up.

she is one of those people you meet that instantly change your life, they leave a big impression on you, and that just leaves an even bigger gap when they leave. I have never been more captivated by anyone.
They say you love everyone differently which is how you are able to love and be in love more then once with more then one person, I wish I could love that exact way again.
and a part of me wishes it could still be her but honestly our presents have come so far from our past that its almost impossible.

In a perfect world we would still be together.
but in this world I am used to being alone.

I will never forget, she was one of the best feelings I have ever had, and kaela that has nothing to do with girl sexing:p
I wish I could explain but I feel like I just did a really bad job.

Brave. Singular. Same thing.

What does it mean to be brave? What do you have to do to be considered brave? What does it take to be considered brave in another’s eyes?
Lately I have gotten this a lot, “Lindsay what you’re doing is really brave.” and the truth is that I am not saving anyone. Some people might even say that I am running away from my problems, but I swear I’m not. Moving to New Mexico was a way for me to get sort of a fresh start from everything that was burnt out. I have no concept for time or distance and obviously I have no concept for fear or danger either. I realize what I am doing is brave to some people, but to me it is just something that I have to do to proceed in life. Everything happens for a reason, and everything will be okay no matter what, and if everyone realized that, then our anxieties would be a lot less pill privileged.
My whole life feels like it could cave in at any second, I felt that living back in Michigan so moving here not much has changed. I can’t explain how singular I feel in this world. Jesse used a metaphor with her friends the other day when we were talking “it’s like trying to fit a square into a circle.” Sometimes I wonder if there is really a person out there complementing me? Everything seems so out of reach.
I really want to meet new people.

grr.

I guess it is normal to feel this way but, what I really want to know is why? exactly I feel this way?
I want to detach this bullshit from my life, and that seems rather impossible without giving up to much.
And I know I could do that, but would it be worth it?
would I really be better off?
I dont know why it erks me, and I laugh about it, but it bothers me most.

and the ball is rolling

This is my 9th? night in New Mexico and my first night alone, in my new residency. I like this city, I like this house. This is the biggest room I have ever had, and the people I am living with are really likable. Now I just need to focus on getting a job then everything will be peaches.

Time flys out here.

I have been in Albuquerque a whole week now, and for the most part I have really enjoyed it. I really like it here. Time is flying, days seem to blend together, but it is nice here, I really enjoy being able to see kaela ALL OF THE TIME and its nice knowing that this will not change for a while. I miss parts of home, but I think the distance for now it just what I need.

Sunshine!

you are my sunshine,
my only sunshine,
you make me happy when skies are grey.
please, oh please dont take my sunshine away.

I guess I wrote this on the bus ride down to NM Feb,23.

I dont always see beauty in everyone, most of the time I'm not really sure I see it in myself. I see faces on the street and they are not people to me, not unless they impact me in some way with more then there mere presence. I am traveling and I see them, these two random people in the middle of life and right then is when I start thinking that there are all of these people living lives and I am totally oblivious to them, to there loses there victorys, there love, there lifes. I see other people a road worker and most of all, all of the traffic, but they are not people, they are just cars in the way, or workers doing there job, I dont think about what its like when they go home? I dont know why this matters to me at all, but I feel like I need to know more people because when there are millions of people I feel like I am missing out.
When I first started on this roadless travel I was thinking about my grandma, I think about her more then I addmitt, everyday, but at that moment what struck me was what I used to hear here say when ever see would complain about some young kid she heard about. shed say "All young people think that they are invincible" but I guess taht sort of goes toe in toe with the youth being wasted on the young, everyone being so ready to live, waiting for it to happen and then they are old, they tell there selfs, If I would of known what I know now?
I think that what I am doing is pretty ballsy, so many things could go wrong, but I dont think I am invincible, I'm not afraid because I know at the end everything will be okay, but is it really that I am just that desperate to live?
I never felt like I was living back home, I didnt like the life I had, so now I traded it in for a new one, it is to early to say what I think of what I've got now, I just know that only time will tell.

Jessedeeeeeeew

From the day that I met you, I have been captivated by you, there’s this pull I have too you that won’t let me walk away. It is really something that nothing can explain; Like gravity or some kind of silly fate. I’m pretty sure that no matter where I would of went in this world it wouldn’t have ended without our paths crossing again, I am so glad we’re back, it’s one of the best feelings.
I love you for who you are, and I have grown to admire the person you have been. Your smile has always brightened my days, not a half fast one or a scrunch face, but full on teeth and dimples down to your chin, that is one of my most favorite things.
I like the things you think and the thoughts from your head. I like the way you sleep with monsters under bed.
You make me laugh, and smile and make dead things feel new. I don’t know how to go back to the person I was before you. I need you in my life otherwise not even the sun shines as bright.
I am so proud of you.

Thought for food

"I’ve lived through my share of misfortune and ive worked in the blazing sun but how long should it take someone before they can be someone."

Feeeeeeelings.

Feelings.
Conscience.
Anger.
Heat.
Tears.
Aceptance.
Feel better.
Move Forward.

So I went to see this play the other night out here called "The dead mans cell phone" and I am still thinking about it right now for more reasons then the fact that they said "Girl, you dont know your ass from youre dickens" and when people died in that play where ever they go to they kiss by rubbing head hairs. Ahh the things I find cute.
but I am still thinking about it for a number of reasons.
I dont remember exactly but they said something about how talking on a cell phone is so impersonal, everyone can hear youre hole conversation and no body seems to mind that now a days, and another part of it was that after you have that conversation it is lost, into nowhere, into thin air. I guess you might remember it but it is meaningless if its not written down. So millions of people are saying I love you into thin air. It needs to be documented to be real.
And then another part of it was a bout how people avoid things, like love, and they trick there self into liking someone or talk thereself out of being with someone, something I am overly guilty of, but I think the point of that in the play was that when you die in this play you go with whoever you truely love, like some people only love thereselfs, and I guess the main character realized that she didnt want to be alone she didnt want her life to dissapear into thin air, she didnt want to die in a diner and fall in love with the stranger sitting across from her, even then its only the unreaqited kind of love. so she wanted to love absolutly from that second on
I dont know, I guess some people just need a bigger wake up call then others.
"A womans life is love, a mans love is life"

I dont know if that made any sense but I am still thinking about it for some reason.
I'm not really sure how its made me feel yet.

New Mexico.

Well I am here now. I dont really know what to say about it, everything is still new and I'm not really sure how these new experiences are affecting me. Everyone is so nice here, that is one thing that I can say, and the weather is a breath of fresh air compared to back home where shit piles of snow is being dumped.
Jesse was right with what she said, " it will feel like a vacation at first" and it does I feel like I am here visiting kaela and at some point I am going to pack my shit and leave until the next time at some point in our futures we can meet again, but no, this is it, this is always, we will see.
Everything isnt as peachy as I am making it sound right now, and I know with in the next week or so it is going to start getting hard, but right now I am trying not to think of the grown up stuff and just be here.
I have had a lot on my mind, and I havent been writing any of it down and I havent really said anything either, I havent been ready to share so I have kept all of my thoughts behind my teeth. I'm not sure how I feel about somethings, or why other things make me feel the way they do, but I can only live moment to moment and day to day, We will worry about tomorrow when it gets here.
I miss a lot of things about Michigan, but I know it will not be hard for me to fall in love with this place.

Maybe it's just me.

" I wish we could open our eyes
To see in all directions at the same time
Oh what a beautiful view
If you were never aware of what was around you
And it is true what you said
That I live like a hermit in my own head
But when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in "
-Death Cab for Cutie♥

I've started a photo blog.

http://girlncaptivity.tumblr.com/

she said I should write about it

Hm.
I never questioned the fact that once you love someone you will always love them.
but i guess what came up today that I never thought of is are we able to love less?
when you get closure on something or someone, you dont feel the same way about them as you once did, so does that mean you love them less or just differently then before?
We all must do it, I think that we all love every person differently which is why we are able to fall inlove with more then one person, but usually, especially romantically, its not more then one person at a time.
So to go from point a to point be, do we love the other person differently then we did before?

This has been my last weekend in michigan and it was a really good one, I have had really great weekends since the end of december honestly. Saturday I got to see lyndz and lizz and I will never forget driving her truck 'through' river side park, haha it was intence. and then today I got to see my prince for the first time in nearly 10 months and I am still pretty tickled about that. and my peach i got to see yesterday and today as well, i am going to meeeeees her, so much.

so this is it, its technically monday now, so I can say tomorrow I am leaving for NM, and i am looking forward to being there but not the trip there so much.
other then that I dont have much to say tonight.
what will happen next?
only time will tell...

Secrets.

I've got a lot of secrets.
A secret is only a secret if only you know.
The fact of the matter is I am king at keeping secrets.
But today I am going to share a secret, that not anyone really knows

Some times I stare at myself on the mirror for long periods of time for no reason, my favorite is a full body mirror, one that I can properly see every inch of myself in. I do this and maybe its kind of vein of me, but maybe you wont think less of my once youve finished this, then again maybe you will.
I cant help catching glimpses of myself in any thing that will produce a reflection. I think its seeing out of your eyes for so long, and then when you finally see yourself, youre seeing the person everyone else sees. Like watching yourself on tape. I see this person and I think shes honestly pretty cute. and shes saying these thing sthat I have said and the faces she makes i dont really recognize. I see this person in the mirror and she is copying exactly each movement I make, replicating it with my own perfection.
This person is supposed to be me? This is who everyone else sees? I dont feel like her.I feel like that out of place middle schooler who didnt really fit in anywhere. I dont understand why you are telling me I'm pretty when I am cringing waiting for you to drop the atomic bomb on my self esteam telling me the 5 words that haunt me, " you look...like a boy."
I look at people, and I watch them, people who I think I should be better then, and I watch them in love, and i sit here and stare at myself and wonder what is wrong with me? You think there petty love would inspire me, most of the time it doesnt.Maybe if its in a good movie? with a good plot, something that couldnt happen in real life, maybe then I will feel it, cause i think those are the things that should happen in real life, but it doesnt, and I just feel inadequate.
So yes, I stare at myself and convince myself that I am pretty. I am alone but I am pretty. I still feel inadequate.

I wish being were enough, but in this world everything circles around love.

I'm falling in to memories of you

I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do
Follow me there, a beautiful somewhere, a place that we can share.

Wrap me up in a dream with you.

Lately for the most part I feel happy.
at least i recognize one happy feeling I get from my shipmate.
I feel so lucky.
In a way I almost trust her more then anyone, cause she has hurt me and the fact that we are able to be as close as we are after that speaks massive volumes.
Its almost like a second chance but still feels like the first time around?
that doesnt make any since, but i dont give second chances, and it never occured to me that i did.

I cant say there is anything I have ever regreted doing.

everything happens for a reason.
what is meant to be will always be.

I feel like these people I have grow close to were always meant to be a part of me.
and without there presence im not really me.

For the longest time, the person Jesse made me, was dorment, and dead as far as i knew.
and now its alive and it feels good to have that feeling back.

jesse makes me happier then anyone that I have ever known could, and she does it with the tiniest flip of a finger.

less than a week.

It is 3am and i am wide awake, Ive got my last day of work tomorrow and saturday at least should be fun. Monday will be bitter sweet and then tuesday it is it, the time is practically now, i will be leaving. I'm not sure how I feel. I feel a lot. I'm ready, but there is a lot that I will miss.

Everything happens for a reason right?
Things are changing and I'm not sure what to make of them.
I guess I will just watch these things fall apart into something else I dont recognize.
Sometimes I get a bad feeling in my belly.
Most of the time I ignore it.

I'm not afraid, not of anything, There are dangers and bad things and I recognize them for that, but they dont turn my stomach, they dont make me shiver.
I guess I really just dont understand what it is to fear someting, or to stress out at all, I dont understand.
So many bad things could happen when I leave and not to sound cocky at all but I am not afraid, I know no matter what I will be alive when its all said and down?
is this the right choice?
Ive got to believe that it is.

i hate growing up.
i hate the fact thatt things have to be any different then they are now, even though everything isnt exactly ideal, i wish i could live in moments in time, nothing constant, just in those moments that mean everything.
Its not moving 300000 away from everything i know that makes me squirm a little, its that, everything is still changing. its not going to be a moment at all.
that dissapoints me.

I cant fight for a gravyard.

Didnt they teach you, everythings okay if you settle enough forget your dreams lets pretend Im everything you want me to be. complicated breathing, you never had the guts just to throw me away, life moves slow when everythings the worst version of what you need. I'm just the ground that you happen to fall on when you lost your balance walking around in the rain, you got to your feet? scratched your head and started to gather the life that you dropped all around me. I cant fight for a gravyard anymore.
some people have there money to keep there legs pumping, what moves me is fear that Ill always be alone at the end of the day.

The truth is.

This is the happiest I have been with myself in a long time.

she said wont you ever know that I'm in love with you.

I'm leaving soon.
I think I'm already gone
i dont know if I'm coming or going?
I just know ive been here to long

wow.

Febuary 2009


Feburary 2010

What a difference a year can make? At this time last year I hadnt even met kaela and in two weeks now I will be moving out to Nm, plus all of the many other differences in my life, and the lack of people that were in it. I dont think people really notices how much I changed until I put up photos like this, its almost like I am a different person, because of course that was a different time.

it had to be you

I'll get lost, messed up and bored when I'm alone too long I can't sleep, function or eat when I'm not with someone Late last fall, she ended it all and moved to who-knows-where Just like that, she vanished and packed and never even called You feel a certain sense of synergy between yourself and me A kind of macabre and somber Wonder-twin kind of harmony What if it was you? You that I needed all along I felt like a fool, Kicking and screaming and pretending we were wrong Let's get wrecked on pop tarts and sex and see the Taj Mahal Let's save birds from Prince William Sound and skateboard through the mall Let's fight crime with mangoes and limes and join the PGA Let's win big with every spin but hurry, I can't wait Do you spend a fortune on those late-night prepaid television scams In search of the perfect blend of steak knife and non-stick frying pan? What if it was you? You that I needed all along I felt like a fool Thinking we were completely wrong It seemed like a dream A beautiful screen That echoed forever And made us not afraid to feel a thing And after it ends We'll try to be friends They say that what doesn't kill us makes us who we are All this time and everything's changed but I still feel the same All good things eventually end and get washed down the drain What a disaster it would be if you discovered that I cared A little too much for friends but not enough to share What if it was you? You that I needed all along I felt like a fool Now that I'm sure that I was wrong It had to be you. It had to be you. It had to be you. I knew it was you.


Talk about finding a song parallel to your life, I cant explain.

I wanna feel how I wanna feel forever.

I find it hard to be happy for you.
Most days I just dont think about it, but I still know. nothings changing, yet still changing.
coming closer.
Distance is happening starting here, no there, it started there.
I wont stop it. I wont hold you back, go.
Youll have to lose me before you ever really get me.
I will fall in to this chasim, fall in to my home,
its cold out side, and i dont want to be alone,
its cold out side, its cold by your side, Im just trying to find my way home.
Home, not a place but a feeling.
Theres no place like home,
theres no face, im just homeless.
I lay awake now staring at the ceiling cause we dont talk..

love.

" what do we know about it you and I? we're not the sort who fall out of love are we?"

Life goes on

" days went by like paper in the wind, everything changed, then changed again, its hard to find a friend its hardd to find a friend."


im not sure exactly what that lyric quote means to me but Ive been repeating it to myself over and over a lot lately.
Ive been feeling a lot and keeping even more to myself.
I have nothing to say.

My boss always says things about how quiet i am, and that you have to watch out for the quiet ones cause they tend to sneak up on you. and I am a quiet one. I believe that every second of life doesnt need to be filled with a voice or a sound, just being is enough, and i observe that from evey angle all day long trying to figure out this human race, why some of them wear there pants up to there titis and others have those perfect kind of dimples that show through there scruff.

There are so many things to take in? so many things to feel, Im not sure i feel any of them deep enough. I was thinking about that today, ive been closed and defensive for so long now, that is all I feel, I dont let that boys smile melt my heart or that ladys pantts make me laugh, cause these are things i see everyday, maybe i have taken them for granted focusing on one thing,
the one thing that is about to happen. what will i focus on next , how will i feel?

I want something good to die for, something to make it beautiful to live.

I want something good to die for, something to make it beautiful to live.
Home is where the heat is, I've been homeless for the past 5 months.
That is about to change, I am about to reappear on the radair.
I guess this is physically and metaphoricly.
Home is where the heart is, I'm trying to find my way home.

this is it.

I can make myself cry, i just think of something sad, like happy times that we've only had.
sometimes i feel like Ive got some of the best friends that anyone could ever find, they are all so special to me, and then other times i feel like they are shit cause i am conveinient, and even though i know that is the only reason my social life is taking a turn for the up side, i am going to enjoy it because at least they are around at all.

somethings hurt a lot to think about how good they were and i feel two things from thinking about them, i think that it makes me sad, really sad, and i also think that i want it again, that all of the pain of it being over is worth having it again.
i want it again.

sometimes my past seems like another time to me, and im not sure how i lost it, i am sure most days i am still holding it in my hands.

i have no idea how this year will pay out and it has me feeling a little uneasy and anxious, but i am still pretty optimistic.

this.is.it.

i dont understand.

Last night i had two different heart to hearts with two different people simultaneously and in ways everything that was said from both went hand in hand.

i dont understand, it never occured to me that people love differently, just that people are different, love is love, you do or you dont. I love singularly and i dont know how not too. ive put everything in to one thing and i cant not, i want to.
i want to call someone mine and not have to share them at all
and i need them to want me the same way.
its so hard being a singularly oriented person and the person youve chose isnt, chose is the wrong word, but the intent is there.
ive found that over the years this tends to make me miserable a lot, because honestly i need that back. i need to stop filling friends with this role, obviously cause they leave, get busy or find other things as time goes on.

kaela, maybe this makes things make a little more sense? its not about romantic or friendship, its about..exactly what a penguin represents.always, everything. i know you cant help it, and the way things make me feel i cant really control either. its not fair to you that your this person to me, its really not, and its not fair to me either.
this is why i feel replaced, not as your lover, not as your penguin, not even as your friend, but in spaces i used to fill more that ive got to share.
this will work itself out eventually, and now i can see where ive faulted in it all, you should of never been able to replace emily and nor her jesse or any of the others before them.

goodbye.

I am leaving this place.
Every day I look around and I try to let every part of being where I am sink into me.
The smell, the feeling of it, this was my first home.
I became everything I am in the unfilled spaces of this place.
I will miss the good things.
The smell of cereal down town, the friends I never see the memories of when I did see them.
It’s hard to part with all of the things I’ve become overly attached to, but I am letting nothing go, just making space between.
For the first time in my life, I am the one leaving.

Things I think of at work.

Man depleting life decreasing he is dead
I open his shirt open his chest
I tear out his lungs, tear out his ribs.
I ate his heart till there was nothing left.
Man full of love with every breath, love goes on, but he, he is dead.

I'll love you for it.

Its tested through distance of time and space the real strength of a friendship
its not always being around or never leaving at all, its the place youve ingraved in my heart that lets us pick up where we left off

we might not be always but i promise i will love you for it.yeah we might not be...but ill love you for it.

:]

I havent felt this way in so long, i feel like I am flying.
i dont know what caused this personal high i am expierencing tonight but i can only hope as things keep working out that it will stay around.

:D

maybe its not my weekend but its gonna be my year.
twothousandandten.

we were.

Remember the days when i would run to you? run to you?
well now Im just running in place, running somwhow further away from you.
everyday i feel my heart break from you...once upon a time it was dead and it would race for only you.
i keep wondering what i did wrong? but i go over it again and i can find none on my fault.
I loved you,you knew it. i still do, it makes no difference.
thats all we are, we were best friends.
Im just running in place, maybe youll come around if i stay? maybe i can feel that again when the smile smothers your face.
i see it in pictures but its never the same, its not mine.
id give up anything, but for all the months ive been running in place ive been getting somewhere.
youre happy and Im bitter about it.
you miss me as much as i miss you, i dont believe you.
its killing me, youd be dead,
kept in the basement with worries i havent fed.
i want to see you swallow it whole.
we dont talk anymore and your lies get you by, keep me holding on, hold me tonight?
i miss your warmth wrapped around me tight, nowhere for holes to chill me, lies.
They get to me now in this cold apartment; i feel them creeping open every night, and ive got a new one ive named after you, its draft never subsides, its been going strong for 9 months, 9.
i miss laying in bed picking a part eachothers chest till we knew them inside out, nothings left.
ive got secrets now you wouldnt want to know.
you dont see me, no you dont see me at all.
my heart...
at night i hold the rest, clenching hard on to brusied ribs, i hold whats left, hold it inside, i cannot say its something i regret.
youre not really mine anymore and i know it, which means you never really were, i know it.
i think about all the nights you had me convienced you were.
i was all yours.
now i just think, and i think it really hurts to think.
Im not a princess, this isnt a fairytale.
Im just are girl and youre just to busy working 15 to 20 hours a week to see.
what if our love isnt enough,
its not undying and ever lasting.
Ive needed you here.
ive been running in place and you just cant keep up...
you didnt even try.
you never left but youre never around.
are you going to be busy for the rest of your life?
ive cried from you more times then fingers and toes of everyone im around could count.
ive died inside waiting for you.
im not living, im just walking around.
i love you.

fuzzy blue lights.

I listen to this song over and over and it doesnt end, over and over it doesnt end.
I am sitting here tonight and I feel like I need to write need to share because the truth is ive been keeping a lot to myself.
I'm not sure this is going to work out, but Im never going to give it up till you hate me for it.
I'm tired of being angry all the time, for reasons i cant control, for reasons i shoudnt even be angry, but it bothers me, it does.

Im tired of crying, Im tired of being sad,

im tired of letting you down, i know i do even though you dont say it, nothing ever works out perfectly like we want.
Its not your job to save me, you can walk away at any second.
im not your anchor so dont hold on to me.

I keep trying to think of all the good that will come, its really all that keeps me going, curling up in a ball wont change anything for me, its not that i have a good head on my shoulders or that i know how to handle this well.

i dealing with life, im not living.

life is fagile.

things are going to change. im tired of waiting for you to be the person I know you were.
you make me so sad



ive got so much to do in a month, but everything is pretty much already set besides finding a place.

oh please will at least one thing go right for me? please?
am i really that bad of a person?
makes me hate myself, everythings my fault.

its my favorite time to be alive.

Mondays at work always seem so fucking long, and ive got a head ache.
i couldnt see myself working in this factory for years to come no matter how good the pay.
i think id like my next job to be something chil with food, like the other night when i went to sweet waters with lizz and lyndz, no costomers and donuts, i could totally thrive :p muahah

things really arent any better but i genuienly just dont give a fuck about anything or anyone right now, im whatcha call detached.

your beginning is half over

Lately ive felt very antisocial and Ive tried really hard to not give in to it. Ive talked but it doesnt make a difference but after last night i feel a little better then i have been. its nice to have someone say something different then im sorry i wish i could help. even if its just that they believe in me.
i look forward to everyday to come, every moment I have yet to unwravel
even if i will always miss the old ones in the distance.
if its meant to be it will be.
nothing worth having comes easy, yes.

I spent today walking in my past, that is the best way to discribe it, that is how i feel when im with jesse, lyndz or lizz, or its like they are visiting a future version of me. we havent seen eachother in so long, but everything still comes easy, i just dont feel the same and as much as ive missed them a part of me just wants to put a lid on that time in my life where they all played bigger roles.
Ive been saying for a while id like to have my future but with parts of my past intertwined still in it and that is exactly what ive gotten lately. my past and present mixing.

even though what im getting isnt exactly what i want i know its enough.


i think with my heart, i follow my head.


times are changing.

5 weeks.

I am so high i am never coming down, cause youre mine, you decided to stay decided to stay around.


i wish i felt that way.
i would give anything almost to feel that way.

theres a lot to do, but tomorrow i will get to hangout with lyndz and lizz for the first time in 9 months.

i feel like im really in control of eveything right now and at the same time i feel like im not in control of anything
i still want to cry

im afraid

That everything we are is everything we ever were and before i know it this love light will burn out just like hers.
i dont think i can take it, no i really dont.
im afraid, not jealous.
hoping for the best just hopin nothing happens.
im not as strong
and every day this weight lays heavy on me.
i want out.
i want something better.
and no matter what
i get the good with the bad
the bad always seems to out weight the rest
how will i ever digg myself out of this sunken chest.
i am afraid
i am afraid you wont look at me the same
when you see,
see that .my smile has changed
its a piece of work ive learned to display.
im fine but im afraid.
i Have nothing to say
we wont say it, weve changed.
youre not mine
you dont even see me.

solo

Ive got this giant hole in my chest that i feel a constant draft blowing through.
god i miss you, i love you, you break me so sweet.

ive got this feeling inside that i might explode. i really do love you so much.
Im just happy?
im afraid

im in an odd mood today.
days like these im glad i have a jobby so i have something to do at all.

blahh.
i should be happy right now but i feel like crying.

9 months of dating
8months since ive seen you; since you promised id be seeing a lot of you, so soon.
4 months since ive left, still you fuck everything up with the infinent reach of your arm.
6 weeks till NM.

im alone not lonely, just hold me tonight

I am ready.
i am ready
i am ready.

im know i wont kid myself running away from this that all of these feelings will go away
i just need new distractions, rather then the same old ones tainted by everything thats happened.

im feeling a little rough around the edges today.

so tell me you love me cause it makes me feel alive<3

This year things will change, ive got a rumble in my belly but i cannot know what these changes will bring, or if they will make me happy at all but as long as my feet are on the ground and my heart stays lost high up in the clouds i think that everything will be alright. this is like ripping out your organs just to see if they will stick to the wall, this is like jumping not knowing whats at the bottom, I will not come out of this unscraped or unchanged i do not expect that much, but this year ; dear days i have yet to meet, just know that i am expexpecting so much out of each of you, so please oh please dont let me down to low.
i am alone right now for the first time this year and ive had a lot on my mind lately crawling under the surface of my skin that i can finally sit here and pick each one out. december sort of flew by even as i impatiently counted down each day, and now its nearly half way through january and before i know it i will be in another state far away from this spot i sit and type this at now. I am ready for that.
honestly eventhough it is the beginning of a new year it hasnt felt that way for me yet, i feel like everything is still closing up and coming to an end, i havent started over yet.
i had a great time these last few weeks with kaela and seeing jesse was peaches, and emily, my emily i hope i will see her before i go.

it is time to grow up again