New Mexico.

Well I am here now. I dont really know what to say about it, everything is still new and I'm not really sure how these new experiences are affecting me. Everyone is so nice here, that is one thing that I can say, and the weather is a breath of fresh air compared to back home where shit piles of snow is being dumped.
Jesse was right with what she said, " it will feel like a vacation at first" and it does I feel like I am here visiting kaela and at some point I am going to pack my shit and leave until the next time at some point in our futures we can meet again, but no, this is it, this is always, we will see.
Everything isnt as peachy as I am making it sound right now, and I know with in the next week or so it is going to start getting hard, but right now I am trying not to think of the grown up stuff and just be here.
I have had a lot on my mind, and I havent been writing any of it down and I havent really said anything either, I havent been ready to share so I have kept all of my thoughts behind my teeth. I'm not sure how I feel about somethings, or why other things make me feel the way they do, but I can only live moment to moment and day to day, We will worry about tomorrow when it gets here.
I miss a lot of things about Michigan, but I know it will not be hard for me to fall in love with this place.

Maybe it's just me.

" I wish we could open our eyes
To see in all directions at the same time
Oh what a beautiful view
If you were never aware of what was around you
And it is true what you said
That I live like a hermit in my own head
But when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in "
-Death Cab for Cutie♥

I've started a photo blog.

http://girlncaptivity.tumblr.com/

she said I should write about it

Hm.
I never questioned the fact that once you love someone you will always love them.
but i guess what came up today that I never thought of is are we able to love less?
when you get closure on something or someone, you dont feel the same way about them as you once did, so does that mean you love them less or just differently then before?
We all must do it, I think that we all love every person differently which is why we are able to fall inlove with more then one person, but usually, especially romantically, its not more then one person at a time.
So to go from point a to point be, do we love the other person differently then we did before?

This has been my last weekend in michigan and it was a really good one, I have had really great weekends since the end of december honestly. Saturday I got to see lyndz and lizz and I will never forget driving her truck 'through' river side park, haha it was intence. and then today I got to see my prince for the first time in nearly 10 months and I am still pretty tickled about that. and my peach i got to see yesterday and today as well, i am going to meeeeees her, so much.

so this is it, its technically monday now, so I can say tomorrow I am leaving for NM, and i am looking forward to being there but not the trip there so much.
other then that I dont have much to say tonight.
what will happen next?
only time will tell...

Secrets.

I've got a lot of secrets.
A secret is only a secret if only you know.
The fact of the matter is I am king at keeping secrets.
But today I am going to share a secret, that not anyone really knows

Some times I stare at myself on the mirror for long periods of time for no reason, my favorite is a full body mirror, one that I can properly see every inch of myself in. I do this and maybe its kind of vein of me, but maybe you wont think less of my once youve finished this, then again maybe you will.
I cant help catching glimpses of myself in any thing that will produce a reflection. I think its seeing out of your eyes for so long, and then when you finally see yourself, youre seeing the person everyone else sees. Like watching yourself on tape. I see this person and I think shes honestly pretty cute. and shes saying these thing sthat I have said and the faces she makes i dont really recognize. I see this person in the mirror and she is copying exactly each movement I make, replicating it with my own perfection.
This person is supposed to be me? This is who everyone else sees? I dont feel like her.I feel like that out of place middle schooler who didnt really fit in anywhere. I dont understand why you are telling me I'm pretty when I am cringing waiting for you to drop the atomic bomb on my self esteam telling me the 5 words that haunt me, " you look...like a boy."
I look at people, and I watch them, people who I think I should be better then, and I watch them in love, and i sit here and stare at myself and wonder what is wrong with me? You think there petty love would inspire me, most of the time it doesnt.Maybe if its in a good movie? with a good plot, something that couldnt happen in real life, maybe then I will feel it, cause i think those are the things that should happen in real life, but it doesnt, and I just feel inadequate.
So yes, I stare at myself and convince myself that I am pretty. I am alone but I am pretty. I still feel inadequate.

I wish being were enough, but in this world everything circles around love.

I'm falling in to memories of you

I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do
Follow me there, a beautiful somewhere, a place that we can share.

Wrap me up in a dream with you.

Lately for the most part I feel happy.
at least i recognize one happy feeling I get from my shipmate.
I feel so lucky.
In a way I almost trust her more then anyone, cause she has hurt me and the fact that we are able to be as close as we are after that speaks massive volumes.
Its almost like a second chance but still feels like the first time around?
that doesnt make any since, but i dont give second chances, and it never occured to me that i did.

I cant say there is anything I have ever regreted doing.

everything happens for a reason.
what is meant to be will always be.

I feel like these people I have grow close to were always meant to be a part of me.
and without there presence im not really me.

For the longest time, the person Jesse made me, was dorment, and dead as far as i knew.
and now its alive and it feels good to have that feeling back.

jesse makes me happier then anyone that I have ever known could, and she does it with the tiniest flip of a finger.

less than a week.

It is 3am and i am wide awake, Ive got my last day of work tomorrow and saturday at least should be fun. Monday will be bitter sweet and then tuesday it is it, the time is practically now, i will be leaving. I'm not sure how I feel. I feel a lot. I'm ready, but there is a lot that I will miss.

Everything happens for a reason right?
Things are changing and I'm not sure what to make of them.
I guess I will just watch these things fall apart into something else I dont recognize.
Sometimes I get a bad feeling in my belly.
Most of the time I ignore it.

I'm not afraid, not of anything, There are dangers and bad things and I recognize them for that, but they dont turn my stomach, they dont make me shiver.
I guess I really just dont understand what it is to fear someting, or to stress out at all, I dont understand.
So many bad things could happen when I leave and not to sound cocky at all but I am not afraid, I know no matter what I will be alive when its all said and down?
is this the right choice?
Ive got to believe that it is.

i hate growing up.
i hate the fact thatt things have to be any different then they are now, even though everything isnt exactly ideal, i wish i could live in moments in time, nothing constant, just in those moments that mean everything.
Its not moving 300000 away from everything i know that makes me squirm a little, its that, everything is still changing. its not going to be a moment at all.
that dissapoints me.

I cant fight for a gravyard.

Didnt they teach you, everythings okay if you settle enough forget your dreams lets pretend Im everything you want me to be. complicated breathing, you never had the guts just to throw me away, life moves slow when everythings the worst version of what you need. I'm just the ground that you happen to fall on when you lost your balance walking around in the rain, you got to your feet? scratched your head and started to gather the life that you dropped all around me. I cant fight for a gravyard anymore.
some people have there money to keep there legs pumping, what moves me is fear that Ill always be alone at the end of the day.

The truth is.

This is the happiest I have been with myself in a long time.

she said wont you ever know that I'm in love with you.

I'm leaving soon.
I think I'm already gone
i dont know if I'm coming or going?
I just know ive been here to long

wow.

Febuary 2009


Feburary 2010

What a difference a year can make? At this time last year I hadnt even met kaela and in two weeks now I will be moving out to Nm, plus all of the many other differences in my life, and the lack of people that were in it. I dont think people really notices how much I changed until I put up photos like this, its almost like I am a different person, because of course that was a different time.

it had to be you

I'll get lost, messed up and bored when I'm alone too long I can't sleep, function or eat when I'm not with someone Late last fall, she ended it all and moved to who-knows-where Just like that, she vanished and packed and never even called You feel a certain sense of synergy between yourself and me A kind of macabre and somber Wonder-twin kind of harmony What if it was you? You that I needed all along I felt like a fool, Kicking and screaming and pretending we were wrong Let's get wrecked on pop tarts and sex and see the Taj Mahal Let's save birds from Prince William Sound and skateboard through the mall Let's fight crime with mangoes and limes and join the PGA Let's win big with every spin but hurry, I can't wait Do you spend a fortune on those late-night prepaid television scams In search of the perfect blend of steak knife and non-stick frying pan? What if it was you? You that I needed all along I felt like a fool Thinking we were completely wrong It seemed like a dream A beautiful screen That echoed forever And made us not afraid to feel a thing And after it ends We'll try to be friends They say that what doesn't kill us makes us who we are All this time and everything's changed but I still feel the same All good things eventually end and get washed down the drain What a disaster it would be if you discovered that I cared A little too much for friends but not enough to share What if it was you? You that I needed all along I felt like a fool Now that I'm sure that I was wrong It had to be you. It had to be you. It had to be you. I knew it was you.


Talk about finding a song parallel to your life, I cant explain.

I wanna feel how I wanna feel forever.

I find it hard to be happy for you.
Most days I just dont think about it, but I still know. nothings changing, yet still changing.
coming closer.
Distance is happening starting here, no there, it started there.
I wont stop it. I wont hold you back, go.
Youll have to lose me before you ever really get me.
I will fall in to this chasim, fall in to my home,
its cold out side, and i dont want to be alone,
its cold out side, its cold by your side, Im just trying to find my way home.
Home, not a place but a feeling.
Theres no place like home,
theres no face, im just homeless.
I lay awake now staring at the ceiling cause we dont talk..

love.

" what do we know about it you and I? we're not the sort who fall out of love are we?"

Life goes on

" days went by like paper in the wind, everything changed, then changed again, its hard to find a friend its hardd to find a friend."


im not sure exactly what that lyric quote means to me but Ive been repeating it to myself over and over a lot lately.
Ive been feeling a lot and keeping even more to myself.
I have nothing to say.

My boss always says things about how quiet i am, and that you have to watch out for the quiet ones cause they tend to sneak up on you. and I am a quiet one. I believe that every second of life doesnt need to be filled with a voice or a sound, just being is enough, and i observe that from evey angle all day long trying to figure out this human race, why some of them wear there pants up to there titis and others have those perfect kind of dimples that show through there scruff.

There are so many things to take in? so many things to feel, Im not sure i feel any of them deep enough. I was thinking about that today, ive been closed and defensive for so long now, that is all I feel, I dont let that boys smile melt my heart or that ladys pantts make me laugh, cause these are things i see everyday, maybe i have taken them for granted focusing on one thing,
the one thing that is about to happen. what will i focus on next , how will i feel?