The post that wasnt.

So I wasnt going to write anything today because nothing happened its been a really horribly boring day, and tomorrow I am heading out on my way to cali for a week and I'm excited to go. I'm excited to get back, but right now I am sitting here and staring at my phone NOT texting my lover even though right now I REALLY want to, but I really need to stop texting so much or I'ma get in a lotta trouble. So I will have to wait till tomorrow evening to call her.

Right now im in a some what somberish mood.
Right now I feel like I have really come to a cross road in my life.
Or if I'm not there I see the intersection coming a head.
I'm just really tired of holding on to things that are gone. Things change people really dont. I'm tired of friends that are never around expecting me to still claim my loyaltys to them. When I really just need to cut ties with all of the baggage I have.
I'm looking forward to starting over with new unfamiliar things, but still the old familar faces and things that I love.
This is going to be good for me.

Here's to the nights we felt alive.

that song has been in my head so much lately. I'm not really sure why.
Well kiddys two days and I will be in California and well right now it is 5am in the morning and I am still up,not really sure why and all.
I would say that right now I am...excited for everything that is to come and I am just hoping every second that everything works out the way I want it too.

She said "you're so perfect when you blush"

and right now no one is blusing redder or hotter than I.

;aodsb;kvjber;gkjbae;rojbg;oinb;
I am speechless tonight.

Well it is what it is.

So I have not really written in here in a few days, and I wont at all next week while I am in California, I am affraid that the time that I spoke of at the beginning of summer is here and I wont really be writing in this every day but I will try to as much as possible. The past few days have been very dull, and I am well over my texting limit this month D: but today was a good day. I finally asked if the lover could come stay after I get back from CA and she can so I will be seeing her, and my prince plans on coming over for a few days around the same time as wel, and I cannot wait. The truth is that I should be stoked right now, so very stoked for next week but I'm really oddly content with it. What I am stoked for and excited and nervous for is Kaela comming over. It will be epic history in the making.

She sure is a bossy thing though, I found that out today, but she certainly is a keepppppper.

Well right now I am on my public myspace. I havent gave it a lot of attention at all this summer so everyone is like WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ahah, but my point is that I just read this girls about me and she says that she has been in love and learned from it...learned that it does not exsist..

That makes me really sad.
If there is anything to believe in is love. True love, after all it is THE best thing you can have here on earth.

RIP everyone.

Here’s to the nights we felt alive,
Here’s to the tears we knew we’d cry,
Here’s to goodbye, tomorrows gonna come to soon.

There is nothing to make you feel alive like a funeral. There is nothing that makes you not want to waste a second of your life waiting, or doing mundane things like death. Death is going to happen to all of us and when it happens to someone close to us, someone that we cared a lot about, it really hits home at how valuable life really is, but I don’t think anyone is really ever taken too soon. I believe no matter how anyone goes they have fulfilled their fate here in the world. I think everyone lately feels like LIVING and not wasting a second, I really do think everyone is feeling this way with all of the deaths. I know from personal experience that the way death moves and onlooker is totally different from the way it impacts the bystanders. Being an onlooker your heart goes out to the bystanders because you probably can relate, but being in the shoes of a bystander is though, you think so many things about how it’s not fair. The concept of how someone can be alive one day laughing with you, and dead the next doesn’t make any since. Nothing makes any since.
I know when I was in that kind of situation, it just made me just want to close up and not let anyone in because loving someone and losing them hurt so much, but I was lucky enough to have a friend that didn’t let that happen. She unknowingly showed me that I needed to open up more and faster because the time, days, hours, second, hugs we have with people are numbered and everyone you get is one you will never have again.
I have been though a lot of shit in my life and a lot of people would sit in my shoes, and say it’s not fair, but in every obstacle there is an opportunity to be gained. Everyone that I have ever loved or been attached to has left me, and it’s hard for a person not to take that personally and not be bitter about it, and sometimes I can be, but when it comes down to it we are all left by everyone in the end.
My life is why I am they way that I am in every way, and I wouldn’t change a second of it trade not a one of my tears for a smile. I really do genuinely believe in fate, and that means that I have to believe that, that person has fulfilled their purpose for being in my life and is needed in someone else’s, and I can be stingy but it wouldn’t change anything. I believe that everyone we cross paths with is there to teach us something. I look at everything in that way. Living in today’s society it is so easy to be angry and hate, be mean, and judgmental of others because we don’t like or understand why they are the way they are, and I get. I understand that I don’t know where they are coming from or what they may have to offer me but even if they end up stabbing me in the back I will have still gained from that experience. Ignorance has to be intolerable and people need to be open-minded. Everything is give and take. We have to see how beautiful everything is. We are all only flawless in our mistakes after all and we are only human after all. Life is isn’t ever not fair, so to be the people who go out and live, start loving..and start with yourself once you know who you are everything else will become so clear.
I am alive and I am LIVING.


We say Rest in peace.
When we need to live in peace.

I will follow you into the dark.

Ohhai. So I am sitting here, I just got home from work like things, which didnt take but a couple hours today and I am tired because I was up till 5 am with this cute girl I call my prince. The truth is that I would of been up anyway because my sleepy schedule is all FACKed up again, but I guess that is okay since next week I will be in California. I will fit right in im sure, well except for the being really white part.
GAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I cannot tell you how amazing it was to see my princes face. I cant wait till I get back from CA and I can hold her in my arms and NEVER let her go.

Right now I'm not thinking a whole lot about the future because I really dont know how its going to play out. I'm just trying to live in the right now and enjoy everyone why I have them. That is what I have accepted. That is what I should of done a long time ago.

I really do have the most amazing prince in the world.

Who did I have to fuck?

I am so stoked. Anna just told me today that she got the days off she requested so I should see her while I'm in CA.
I am so excited. and then in 22 days hopefully I will be sitting here with kaela in the skins.
asujdbvakubaegfiaubgf;uoefhba;lijbflksr
this is better then christmas.
so I am sitting here
asking myself
who did I have to fuck?

I want some Ink in my skin!

Anna just got another tattoo. Kaela is getting one. I WANT ONE! gahhh. Soon soon soon though I keep telling myself. Hopefully by september. :D lover tells me that she is going to come with me to get it. Which means she would be coming from NM and we would be together on our 5 months. ha. that would be so wonderful. Which is why it wont happen, but I am in the talks with my aunt since I think we are going to go together to get tatted up and hey. She wants to take me Ima let her. So yeah hopefully by september but I will figure out a better date as everything unfolds.

anyway last night I couldnt sleep and I had to get up early today for a hair appt. So right now I am sort of tired. I got new jeans. a blue and purple pair.
have I ever mentioned that I LOVE SKINNY JEANS??? well I do. So yeah. and I got bracelet strings to make bracebracelets with.

Today has been a pretty chill day.
I hope my prince is feeling better and is less hivey right now D:

lover planning.

Well the way things are looking is that I will get to see the lover this summer, after I run it over with grams, I am a little dissapointed that skyler thinks I am a 50 something petafile,The bad news is thatI will not get to see the west coast because her work wont give her time off to see me, but that is still okay because I will see her next year. And my prince well my prince is comming after I get back from CA as well. I know it. I told her she had to, and well yeah CA in like a week and a half I am Stoked for so many things. Everything is HERE. and bunched together. Before I know it college will be starting again and I need to remember to sign up for classes after I get back from CA as well.

nothing is happening today, its a really bummy like day but Lover plans are coming about. :DDDDDD

Shipshewana./ LOVER THREE MONTHS.

Okay so I didnt get the chance to write yesterday so I will start by telling you about my trip to Shipshewana, Indiana. So yeah it was the first time that I had ever been there. It was like a huge flea market. I saw a bunch of amish people. I heard one amish lady say "she can handle her own" and it made me smile that the silly amish lady was speaking so gangsterly. GAHH i dont know how amish people live the way they do. I give them mad props. btw I have found all the cute boys ha. They are amish. The ride there was only a hour and a half or so I colored on the way down and fell asleep on the way back. So I got a this hat in the photo and a couple other things and a couple gift gifts for my prince and lover I couldnt find anything for my west coast but I will get/make her something fosho. So yeah as you can see by the photo above I got really red. I was in the sun all day, and it was cool until the end when I got really baddddd cramps then I just wanted to go and my aunt and grams decided to be EVEN SLOWER.
GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
but all thats matters is that everything is okay now.

And today is a very important day.
1 year ago today tyler asked me out. I dont know why but that has been on my mind lately its kind of weird I've just been thinking about where I was this past week especially and everything that happened on those days and where I am now today a year later and I am so far from it, but its still there. I dont think that expierience will ever be fully behind me, needless to say I learned a lot.

but back to why today is a very important day to me this year.
Today is
LOVER 3 MONTHS
she wont be on to celebrate with me though because she is going to be in lots of teeeeefers pain. So I hope that it doesnt hurt to bad and that she is able to get on the nets sometime soon so that WE CAN CELEBRATE and plan seeing each other after I get backs from california in a couple weeks.

Oh and the lover is alright her dad was just very inconvenient but we will make shit work because we are soul fucking lovers.

Kinda Worried.

A year ago today right now I rememeber where I was and who I was with very clearly. I will never forget that night, but thats not really what is tying up my thoughts. The lover is always tying up my thoughts but I'm a little worried? I hope she gets on tonight, if she doesnt I wont know what to think.

Tomorrow I'm going to indiana with my grams and aunt. To go to Shipshawanna. I will be sure to tell how that went.

Today didnt turn out at all like I expected it too.
I woke up really late so I didnt work today.
Hopefully that will happen wednesday, but I did make it to a store, but not the one i wanted to attend. I found myself at kmart with my grams and aunt tonight because they wanted hair dye it was probably the first time I have never been interested in hair dye. I was looking for lover bracelet string things and they didnt have any. So hopefully we will go to meijer or something soon. I know we will.

Ps: I'm tired.

So today I noticed that I have unconciously been wearing a lot of red lately. I'm pretty sure I have worn it the last 4 days at least. Jeez. Today has been hmm..progressive. Lover tonight. idk if there will be dateage or not atm but we should start working out the kinks in seeing each other. Tomorrow. I dont know what I'm doing. Well I have a lot of plans/options. Grams says she is going to meijers and I really want to go with her. So hopefully I can get up early go with her so I can get bracelet strings. Then call the moms and go over to her house and works. Then come home and hopefully nap before a date. And tuesday I am headed to indy/indiana to go to shipshawana. I've never been so it will be an adventure nonetheless and I guess Cali is in two weeks. I'm sorta stoked.

lucifer says hi :) and that he doesnt miss your dusty shelf.

I have a perminent smile on my face right now and I'm pretty sure there is nothing anyone could say or do right now to take that away from me. So to catch up. I had a wonderful conversation with sarah last night mostly about the future and life like things. she certainly is a peach. and now well now I am talking to my lovely lady lover.
and we are talking about peas and I am totally lost but that doesnt seem to matter I guess. she is "proving a point" haha

The sunset was pretty tonight.

Today was boring bleh, but I'm in for some good conversation in a hour or so.

Sexy Job Holder/Slacker.

Well Since I havent written in here since monday I guess I can say what I've been doing, ha nothing really. I just suck.

I got the job. I start next week, I think. I dont know what to say really it's just been a really chill week.
I talked to kaela 3 days in a row it was epic :)
I'm looking forward to the end of next week when she is at her dads for a few days, and california is coming quick.

Idk right now I just have this overwhelming feeling. There are so many things I still want to do and even though its only the beginning of july I feel like summer is almost over.

I dont know if I will be able to see anna or kaela its just rediculous being this close to both of them right now and not being able to.

idk what to say really.

Ohh I know.
So last night I stayed at my moms and I was up all night watching movies by myself because I cant sleep in strange places really, I'm always so wide awake, and even though I used to call that place home it doesnt feel like home to me anymore, and I'm not really sure home feels like home. I just dont know.
but I watched this movie "the holiday" and it was better then I expected the intro is really what got me hooked more then the sappy love stuff

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms."

I love writers.

I dont make the same mistake twice.

Once upon a time a year ago I used to assume things until I found out how ignorant it was to assume things and so now even today I dont make moves or run my mouth until I know all the facts. Sure I may sit and be angry or cry, but I'm not making an ass out of myself ruining relationships.


I am a damn good juge of character and all my friends are proof of that. Even when I lose faith in them they show me why it was I never left there side to begin with.


I am really struggling being away from my prince more then anything else right now. It is so hard for me, but bottom line I love that girl more then I even thought I new how to love before I met her. I dont know what the future holds for us but I can only hope we win.

Emily taught me how to love myself, she showed me how it felt to really live and not just be alive.
Emily gave me this fire that only she could ever put out, and I'll take it with me everywhere for the rest of my life.


Love is insanity
Love doesnt have to make since.
love should feel like a fairytale

SECRETS DONT MAKE FRIENDS.

I didnt really do anything, just a little of this a little of that. I've been thinking a lot.

One thing that I've come to the conclusion about as to why my brother never gets in trouble for being an ass to me. Is because its always my falut. weather it is something I have said or for just being alive, but it is my fault.
THAT IS STUPID.
whatever happen to taking responsibilites for your own actions?
fuckers are stupid. baby the bitch. fuck him.

I dont know.
another things I'm tired of everyone that isnt just upfront with me.
why do people even try to keep shit from me? I always find out always, and it would hurt me less and I would probably think a little more of you if you would just say it to my face.

idk I'm getting kind of cranky right now. I'm afraid that things are going to go back to the way they were, and that will kill me.

I dont know.
I wish I knew what was coming even if I would never have a superise. At least I would be able to deal with things and get over them now instead of dragging them out till you can declare over kill on them.


well i need to end this.
im not even in a bad mood really right now. Just thinking a lot.

I miss my prince. I wish she would surprise me for once.

I'm the lucky one.

Today was the 4th of july.

Today was a fun day, I spent it out at my aunts house on gun lake everyone was there pretty much except for my cousin kristin, and it wouldnt of been the worse thing if my brother wouldnt of been there with his cranky stupid ass either, but o well i had fun. It was only like 70 degrees and the sun wasnt really out but Im still red right now...




and yeah we still went swimming and it was fucking cold so I made sure everyone got wet ahah. I had a lot of fun, and I kept talking about boobies for some reason ahah. I think I had lover on the brain. Who just called..shes cute.

So yeah came home played mortal combat with my little brother and lit fire works and now I'm about to go to bed because I have to be up early for churches and hopefully skaing? if not tomorrow in the near future I really want to skate right now even though it is late. ha brings back memorys.

things lately have been really smooth and that is good. My life could be better but what I have right now is good.

gahhh california is getting close. I'm kind of anxious :D

Boom Boom Pow.

Boom Boom Pow is a good song, but way over played and I'm getting sick of it. Today has been a pretty chill day everything sort of feels like it is alright. Today I made cup cakes with the grams and tomorrow I will be spending the day at my aunts house on gun lake. So hopefully it is nice out tomorrow, and then sunday I think I'm going skating? its possible. That is pretty much all I have to say I guess.


People of California I will be walking your streets eating your nomnoms in 24 days :D

In this moment.

Everything feels right again with the world.

I haz new bracelet.

I haz new bracelet :DDDDDD

today is the first offical day of july and what a day it has been. I went skating in charlotte and entered my first successful half pipe. I've never skated anything vert before today. I had a blast, but then it started raining which is when i found myslef in mc donalds waiting it out and for the skate park to dry with my cousin. After an hour it only seemed to rain even harder which led to playing in the play area, and then finally I came home and i had this lover package waiting for me. With this pretty bracebracelet and other things that are TOP SECRET so I cannot write anymore about it. And then if you can believe it after that I went down stairs to this dinner of epic proportions and now I am just sitting here smiling, because even though I sit here every day and I am very aware of how much my life sucks. There is this girl that makes me feel so lucky on top of it all. Next year cannot come fast enough.

Save you.

Take a breath

I pull myself together

Just another step till I reach the door

You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you

I wish that I could tell you something

To take it all away

Sometimes I wish I could save you

And there're so many things that I want you to know

I won't give up till it's over

If it takes you forever I want you to know

When I hear your voice

Its drowning in a whisper

It's just skin and bones

There's nothing left to take

And no matter what I do I can't make you feel better

If only I could find the answer

To help me understand

Sometimes I wish I could save you

And there're so many things that I want you to know

I wont give up till it's over

If it takes you forever I want you to know

That if you fall, stumble down

I'll pick you up off the ground

If you lose faith in you

I'll give you strength to pull through

Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall

Oh you know I'll be there for you

If only I could find the answer

To take it all away

Sometimes i wish i could save you

And there're so many things that I want you to know

I wont give up till it's over

If it takes you forever I want you to know(Oh)

I wish I could save you

I want you to know(Ohohh)

I wish I could save you (oh)