My horiscopes are usually dead on.

"You may have to suffer a little to stand up for an ideal or cause. For the time being your progress in some matter relating to a principle could be blocked or someone could be challenging you for the sake of proving themselves. Don't let this spiral out of control into an ego clash. Withdraw for the time being and then come back with full force when you are on firmer ground."

I've spent my whole life not taking shit personal.

Today has been long and slow, and I've cried like a little bitch through most of it. I dont know how I feel right now. I dont know why things are the way they are, but it makes me sad that they are this way, nonetheless there is nothing i can do about it.

I dont know when I am going to learn that, I am all I really have. Truth is I've learned that time and again its just never enough for me.

Suck suck suck suck it!

Today sucks, yesterday sucked, Tommorow is going to suck as well. My life in general sucks. Hmm, what can I bitch about today, "????" Well nothing has really changed or happened for that matter. Since the lover has went home I am sleeping normally again, the only down side seems to be that the days are that much longer and suck that much more. I mean its nice not to be up all night when no one else is up either to talk to, but its sucks being up real early when everyone who has a life is still sleeping from the night before, and during the day well people that are not me are out having lives I guess so no one has time to even say hi anymore I guess. Right now its about 230pm. I've been up since 6am and I have done not a damn thing. Talked to not a damn person either.
I kind of feel like giving up, well not give up but "trying?" I think that is the word I want.
Its only me, its always me, and there is not really anyone else.
Sometimes I feel like nobody gives a fuck, and that hurts, but at the same time its like I cant be all on everyone like "my life sucks" blahhhhh. so I just...idk I'm dealing with it. I'm not happy with it but knowing there is tomorrow is the only thing that keeps me going through today. I have things to look forward to, and I know it wont always be like this but I keep asking myself if I really want to be around those people when its convienient for them again when they cant seem to give me the time of day right now?
I feel like I could dissapear really easily right now and no one would notice.

I've neglected you.

Well this is what I look like right now. I just took these, and there are two. because I couldnt choose between them, the only difference is the eyes shifting.
I forgot to write yesterday so I owe some events.
Well, yesterday was my brothers 10th brithday, god he is getting big, not really age wise but tall. I was staring at him yesterday when I was watching him swim and its sort of bitter sweet. I've missed out of so much of his life this past year since I have moved out, only seeing him a couple times each month is sort of pathetic. Also yesterday I made a couple of you tube videos, one for anna and the other for emily. I owed anna hers emilys was spur of the moment.

And today well today has been a rough day and I keep crying like right now for stupid reasons.
In all honesty I know why I'm crying and because of who again and I just cant stop. The more I keep thinking the more it is getting to me. It so hard not seeing someone because of technicalitys and watch them be with everyone else. Its so hard when this person doesnt seem to give you the time of day anymore as well. Its sad someone that you used to have to talk to every single day can go weeks at a time without saying hi, and I dont even think these are tears of anger running down these cheeks as much as I am hurt by this.

This situation is breaking me everyday.


side note: I'm going to california a month from today.

RIP Michael Jackson.

Random but indeed michael jackson died today.

other things...lover is headed back to skylers.

and tomorrow there is a walk in interview as meijers that I'm hoping to attend, and also tomorrow is jacobs brithday, he will be 10.

Anyway right now i am physically and meantally tired and I'm going to sleep for the first time in a while. Lately things have been picking up, so I hope this isnt just a quick fluke.

Today is kind of bitter sweet.

You make me feel like nothing is impossible.

I have a lot to say tonight/ well this morning because even though the date stamp on here says June 25, it is still the 24th to me. So when I say today, I really mean yesterday.

So today started out in the early morning hours of last night, and I was on a lover date of epic proportions with kaela. It lasted till 9am it was an amazing date. I lvoe her, also I got some sun today, matter fact it was the first real sun that I have gotten this summer so far. Today it was like 95degrees out side and my cousin showed up two days late to go skating, and who am I to pass up people wanting to hangout with me so I went, and I honestly had a good time. It was the first time I've ever been to the bellevue skate park. It def wasnt what I expected but the talent there made up for its lack of obsticals, but in 95 degree heat skating in the sun with no shade....sucks huge donkey bawlz.

then I came home and slept for like 5 hours because I never went to bed, and now I am dating my lover for the last time probably for a while she is so cute :) I guess I am going to make her a video once grams gets up and I can borrow the camera. I should probably make west coast one as well while I'm at it.

but that is it for tonight I am going to enjoy talking to my lover and that be it foo

cheers.

Be my penguin? 6|23|09

Ahhhhh. I have the cutest most amazing lover in the world. I think that I am still in awe that she is real, but their is nothing I can say that I haven't said a thousand times before. I'm just amazed at how much she continues to dazzle me in every single way.

and lover I'm still smiling because you asked me to be your penguin <3

As of late. 6|22|09

I'm pretty sure I cant tell when one day begins and another ends anymore.I dont rise or rest as it does.I nap when I'm tired. I dont sleep ha I havent slept in days. I eat when im hungry. I have no concept for breakfast lunch or dinner. ahah im pretty sure im not even human anymore.
I was suppose to go skating today.
blown off FTW.
my lover is suppose to have a little brother today.
and the prince and I are running away together.
otherwise everything is the same
<3

I'm going to need directions... "Follow your heart" <3 prince. 6|20|09

I find myself writing these early in the morning because it is really the only time to myself that I have to sit and think without everything going on around me distracting me, which happens very easily. Lately I have been writing a lot, things that wont appear on here besides my previous post. I wrote an autobiography, and a new about me for my myspace. Lately I have been spending a lot of time altering it, and I think besides adding a few things here and there that I am happy with it for a while.
Right now I have a really big smile on my face. So much lover and prince tonight. They are so wonderful I just want to love on them both right now. Emily is so cute, I will never ever forget the conversation we had early this morning. I miss her so much. I swear when she is in my arms again I am never lettting her leave, and kaela, my kaela lover she is so cute too. I'm kind of mixed on emotions with my lover right now because I am stingy and I will take up every second she wants to spend with me, but at the same time I know that this week is ending faster and faster and things will go back to the way there were before with her having no nets. which means no dates. no lover letters. and now no phone calls D: but I still lover her. She is having a little brother. haha she doesnt seem to excited about it, but she should be.
So yeah that is a little bit of an update for now.
I love my prince.
I miss my prince.
I love my lover.
I'm going to miss my lover.

Mind Game..

Another tick another tock another drip is a drop, another hit another nock….I think someone’s at the door...If I wait, will they stop? No lights, no sleep, just another day, between the mattress, pillow case and me. Think think think…I think I think too much. Insane insane insane, insanity is being sane this much.I just want to be alone, avoid outside connections, and turn off my phone. Being alone like this is pathetic unless it’s what you want, and I can’t admit that I’m pathetic; but I know no one would call if it was on, and I can’t be pathetic staring…hoping, refresh refresh refresh….not even the minutes change..PatheticAn empty vessel a delusional pain the only time I feel alive is when it rains. When the grounds I walk on shake and the skies light up, rain drops collide with my skin, it’s the only time I feel real again. I feel small, like for once I really fit into my skin.I’m sick of this world, this love this hate, always second rate. Just to be with the one you want, is it real love? False hopes an echo in your ear, just what you want to hear, does it make you feel better even if you know it’s not true?It’s a power struggle between you and yourself, between your mind and your heart, between yourself and the object of your affection. Is it a control issue? Self control? Mind control? Control Control Control? Don’t you ever feel like you’re losing control? Who’s really in control?Is it worth it to hurt like this? Vulnerability? Holding back, giving in? Let’s share this sin? Mehh its whatever I guess? You wait all day; plan your day around that one call or a text, and then once it’s over? What’s next? Too much is never enough, and we are only human, a bag of skin filled with guts. We want to act like we don’t care that much, but every second apart it’s the fear in us...It’s the fear that makes us fall so fast? Makes us change our ways, and put on a different mask, or is it a need?Who are you really when you’re looking in the mirror? Strung out from no sleep, no eats. When your alone…no lights, n o heat, just another day, between the mattress, pillow case and sheets? Are you someone to be desired? Someone to need? The number one human need is being wanted, missed when you don’t come home. Nobody really wants to know that they are this alone in a universe of millions. It’s pathetic.Being inside of your own head can make you feel like your crazy. If no one lied it would make things a lot more easy. If everyone was honest, maybe we could all love deeper.Another tick another tock another drip is a drop.

I love.

I love that you are my lover, I love that you love me, I love that you say cliché things to me. I like that you have never met me and you show me your boobs. Ha,I love how your eyes are a caramel color. I love it when your nose wrinkles up when you laugh and I love when you snort when you are laughing. and I love when you get embarrassed after snorting and try to hide your face with your hand. I love that you miss me. I love that you dream about me. I love that all I have to do is think about you and I catch myself smiling. I love our lover letters. I love that you write I love that you let me read things you’ve written. I love that you think the same things that I do. I love that you use your hair straighter as an iron. I love that you drew on your face for me. I love that you sang to me. I love that you never seem to get sick of me. I love that you see me better then I really am. I love that you think I’m perfect. I love that even though we are so far apart we have vagina throbs if we don’t talk for a while. I love it when you’re on msn. I love it when you write me lover letters….really long ones. I love it when you say good morning. I love it when you surprise me. I love it that we have the same sheets. I love that we are soul lovers. I love that the greatest lovers were murderers first. I love that you would rub my cat on your face even though it would kill you. I love how carefree you are not so much the way that you are so care free you booger wiping manly belching beast. I love that you wanted to have a dog with me. I love it that you tell me things about yourself and your past. I love it that you want to know so much about me. I love that we are creepy obsessed with each other lovers and no one understands. I love it that skyler thinks I’m your imaginary friend. I love it when you come back from bathroom breaks, and good night sleeps you know that I miss you so much. I like it that you dye your hair. I like it that you wear a shower cap. I love that we have dates. I love that you think of me when it rains. I love when you tell me things you love about me. I love it when you tell me about talking about me all of the time. I love it that you draw me pretty pictures for my wall. I love that you are passionate about things. I love that you have a million pairs of panties I love that you change your panties at least twice a day. I love that you have rare candies. I love that you’re a goob. I love that you stay up late with me even though you have class early and you haven’t done your homework yet. I love that you call me. I love that you were a fat kid. I love that you never ever forget about me. I love that you stick to your guns. I love that you are just as much of a kid as I am. I love it that you have an album of me and you on your myspace. I love it that I am in about 3 of your categories on your myspace. I love our live journal files no one knows about. I love that you’re honest. I love it that your smart. I love that you spam my photos. Ha. I love that you never give up. I love that you love zombies. I love that you love Eminem just as much as I do and admit it. I love that you are mine. I love it that you fight for me. I love that you love Pokémon so much. I love that you believe unicorns are real. I love that you’re a hopeless romantic. I love that you love pickles. I love your OCD.I love that I found you. I love that we celebrate our anniversary.I love that we have an anniversary. I love that you are probably the only person who hasn’t changed yourself at all for me. I love that you love turtles I love that every answer to your final was lover. I love that you make me so happy. I love that you have a leopard fetish. I love fidor. I love your mustache. I love the way you try. I love the way you care. I love the way that I have never met anyone like you. I love the faces you make. I love how comfortable I am with you. I love that you know so much about me. I love that you pop into my head all day long I don’t know what I ever used to think about. I love that too much is never enough! I love that we are cave women. I love our adventures. I love that your spontaneous I love it when you go….lover lover lover lover. I love it that you decided we were lovers. I love that you are a part of my life. I love that you dazzle me. I love that you are beautiful I love that you are perfect. I love that you are unexplainable I love that I love you so so much.

Time is not wasted when its lover time. 6|18|09

LOVER CAM DATES FTW!!! ahah it worked tonight! Well last night =DD I have the best lover in the whole world, just sayin.

I AM A GIANT!! 6|17|09

All people in Michigan are Giants!

ha.
well right now I am talking to my lover because she is online for the week, but im upset, because the web cam is not working for us so we can't cam date. I dont really know what else to say. I want a CAM DATE NOW. well not now ha i look a mess but maybe later today. Hopefully it will work.
I find out later today if i have a job or not. Hopefully I do so i can go visit my lover in IL :)
Side note: I miss my prince. Haven't talk to her in days now. D:

Lets Make Tonight 6|15|09

Lets Make Tonight.

6-15-2009 Today was a very good day. I dont think that I have smiled this much in a long time and, even though I only talked to my lover 8 out of the 24 hours in a day. I cant really remember a moment of it without her; They all seem insignificant. She got online last night and it was epic. Truth is I have missed talking to her all night and, I have been very lost without her stingying up my interwebs.Today was our 2 months even though its the 16th now. I didnt have time to write this earlier tonight I was to busy with lover time. Which will happen a lot this week and i couldnt be happier about that.
So this is the blog where I tell you how amazing my lady lover kaela is. I will start by telling you this, She is unexplainable. I have never in my life met someone like her. She is so many things all in one and she is mine mine mine. I enjoyed our conversation tonight about me moving to NM next year, because you see that is where she is lamely going to college hundreds of thousands of miles away from me and I couldnt quite convince her to come to Michigan for this year of her studys, but I'm sure one day we will breathe in the same airs.
We go over and over this but, I guess I was the one that added kaela one night and we just started talking from there. Comments. lots of them. And they turned in to lover letters. and a handful of those were not enough for us everyday so those turned in to cam dates.
Kaela is someone that I can talk to for hours and if we have it our way we do. It is kind of crazy how we are always thinking the same thing. If we were together we would be a force to be reconed with I'm sure. We are soul lovers without a doubt.
I am glad that I have found

such a lovely lover

such a perfect lover

because I know that she will never break my heart.
She is someone that has come to be very dear to me more then I ever planned on but, I like this. I could go on and on talking about how wonderful she is but then you would want her and I just cant have that because I'm stingy.

Another drip in a drop. 6|14|09

Hmpt. Wel l today I got out of the house it was great; and I hung out with two old ladies. Ha. I dont think it gets more BA then that.
So anyway. I took this photo at 7am? this morning. I was wide awake but, after that I got real tired aha and slept for a few hours got up went to churches went to food place then hung with old ladies till like 5? then i came home and slept till 10 ha. two hours of sleep wears on a girl out. now I am up and talking to west coast and a lover.
Ohhhh and something VERY important happen today I got a new pet her name is matilda silverstein rybka badgett. she is anna and mines but, anna is going to feed her and take care of her and love her for me :D
ha. well that is pretty much it.
later I will write more but I only have 4 minutes left of today to write something
dewddddddddd.

She didnt wear pants. 6|13|09

It's hard. 6|12|09

One day.I will get pushed in the back.of your life and, your priorities.so far that you can’t reach me.And i swear.While you leave me there waitingThe crowd between us pushes me against the door.One day I won’t wait anymore.

Emily Anne Reppert. 6|12|09

Emily Anne Reppert.
My prince.
There are certain people you meet in your life, and you just know that this was the way it was meant to be. From the first second I saw this girl standing outside of my..I mean our photography class I knew that my life would never quite be the same. I cant explain the gravitaional pull this girl had on me, all I know is that when I saw her, and she saw me for the first time in that moment I knew she was some one that I wanted to know. I didnt know what it was about her, or if it was merely the way she looked at me the first time, but I could never look away. The more I learn about her the less she ceases to surperise me.
I have known her now for about 9 months. It will be a year in September, and it has been the most amazing year...at least every second that I have been with her. We have amazing adventures and, I dont know how I would be alive today the same without her. Lately I have been thinking about the past a lot, and I think about when we first met and our friendship was still a baby, and then I think about it now and how much we have changed. We have grown up so much together in 9months that it is unbelievable. We have expierienced a lot together, and it has only brought us closer then I could of ever imagined.
She has come to mean more to me then I ever imagined or planned she would, but I like it. I like her by my side. I know that she is the one person I can go to and she will be honest with me, and for as long as we have been friends she has never given me a reason to doubt her once.
It is pretty safe to say that nobody has a love like ours. She is my prince, and the way we show "affection?" isnt like most, but I dont think either of us would have it any other way. I like how comfortable we are with each other.
I used to think that fate had it out for me because all I ever got was shit but, then I met emily, and now I think differently.
I love this girl more then everything.
I am NEVER ever letting her get away from me.

I love you without knowing how or when or from where.

Just Sayin. 6|12|09

"I want a someone to be my everything more than anything for an always type of thing forever couldn’t compare."_ just sayin

I don’t know what to say today I feel rather distant. That or maybe I just realized how alone I actually am. It’s kind of ironic how much of a difference one person can make between being happy and unhappy. Alone…or with you. It’s the littlest things that I want.These are the things I crave. Because they are small but they change everything in such big ways.

The past has past. 6|11|09

I wonder how much you think about me every day. Well not everyday do I wonder but when I am wondering I wonder; if that makes any since. You act like a rock but you seem to crumble like a cookie. I miss those times we had. I think about them now sometimes when I wonder and it all feels phony to me now like none of it was genuinely real; like in the corner of my thoughts I wanted it to be. It’s taken me a year to find words that were not loaded, and I don’t even know if they are the right ones, but what I do know is that I’m not going to try ever again to find those words. You are a distant memory, a faint burning pain, and an illusion of happiness.
“Everything happens for a reason.”“One door closes so another can open.”“Good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
I tell myself things like that all the time, and they are all true. My life now is better than it ever was with you in it. You will never understand why I have done everything that I have in this past year; more than the depth of it being the center of your amusement. I’m not the person I was when you knew me. You’re not the person I knew either and we were a lot alike…or so we thought. I have grown up so much. You have made me in so many ways; probably shaping me more drastically than any other childhood experience. Definitely a war wound I’m not proud to show off.I threw so many things away that I was, or at least I thought I was. Everything I’ve done has been for me because I was so lost without you. Nothing I did had anything to do with you or because I was trying to be like you no matter what you may think. I am nothing like you. Not saying that I am better, but you and I are on a different ship. I’ve been through hell and back, and got a prince.I could forgive you…but I don’t think I was ever really mad, just upset and hurt, but I’ve gotten over things and I wish you would fully let me go and stop popping into my life so that maybe one day I can forget too.
you and I had a good thing and you threw it away, and now I've got a better thing.
this was our fate.

I know to go on I will break you my habbit.
You taught my heart
A sense I never knew I had
I can't forget
The times that I was lost and depressed from the awful truth
How do you do it?
You're my heroine.

Sleepless nights and the INSOMNIACT. 6|11|09

Ohhhhai. Good morning. I look cute in lello. I'm wide awake, and no one is up to bug. I slept from like 8pm till 2am and now I am still at 6am Wide awake. Today my brother is coming over, and I get to watch him while the madre, and grams go see the uncle So that will be fun...well at least I am looking forward to seeing him, he will be 10 in 15 days. I remember when I was 10. My mom threw me this huge birthday party, and all the little neighborhoood kids were there it was an awesome birthday, but I seem to be getting off subject.Yesterday I went shopping with the grams, and I got a lot of new clothes. I kind of wonder if the 2 hour phone conversation I had with my mother the other day about my current "life?" had anything to do with my grams sudden chairty, or if it was really for our up coming trip to CA like she said.. but either way I'm not complaining. I got a bunch of things. Even a skirt, it is real cute. I'm going to try and take a photo in it later if I can get my hands on a camera.So yeah that is what I did yesterday. I went shopping. It was nice to get out of the house...it was so fucking nice.Today I dont know what I am going to do worthy of telling you about. we will see i guess; all i know is that today I am missing my prince a whole lot more then I have been. I feel imcomplete or rather insignificant without her around. 1 month ago today was the last time I seen her pretty face. I have a feeling a entry about her wonderfulness is coming soon; followed by a lovers wonderfulness because our 2 months is in a few days and I will need some sort of outlit for my frantic throbbing I will have that day.cheers

I live it day by day. 6|10|09

I took this photo yesterday morning. It was around 8AM still wide awake yet to go to "bed," and I looked in the mirror and decided I looked cute so...photo opppp.
I've been sleeping a lot lately that is all I can say, and its not very often anymore for you to see a smile shed across my face, but I was in a some what good mood from a lover convertsation I'm sure. She is something that lover, and right now it is again 8ish in the morning 24 hours following when this photo was taken but I like it so I'm going to use it.
I dont know what is on the schedule for today.
A whole lotta nodda. It's suppose to rain today is all I know.
I wish it were time for college to start back up again. Even though it is still the begining of summer I am already sick of it. Spending everyday alone doing the same nothings over and again gets old real fast, but it is getting easier as each day passes. wheather it is because I grow more distant from my society, or because I'm becoming numb to it I have not figured out yet.
I've had a shit load of time to think though, and maybe being this sane is insanity or at least makes me feel that way. Ha.
Well I guess that is all I've got for right now. I'll be adding to this often, really often because right now until college starts up again I have no type of life. So be prepare for all my insane thoughts and the unexplainable people that I'm sure will come up.
Cheers.