You make it hard to smile because you make it hard to breathe, why do you do this to me?

Today is offically my last day of having internets. All I can do now is work and save and get by until I can move out to NM. The other day was lover six months. It has gone by to fast I think, but at the same time it seems like I have known her so much longer.

She is so beautiful and I am so lucky to have her in my life.

I know I said I would probably post a few blogs the other day and I didnt because I decided to do other things like dating sarah and then finally getting to talk to anna a bit and then the rest of the night dating with kaela kins.
these are some of the photos I took.




I have a lot on my mind that I am not really ready to share yet. Maybe once I am at my moms and I camn think clearer I will type something worth something.
I am not going to miss living here, I'm only going to miss talking to kaela, emily, anna, sarah, and kody, plus the occasional other people. Hopefully I will get lucky enough to get another job soon, that would make me feel so great, you have no idea.

New Year, New Me.

Today I am 19. only 364 more days left of being a teenager, and I have a lot to do. I'm almost done packing everything and right now it's just sort of working everything out so I am out of here with no time to spare, and trying to fit in dates with my girl things before I leave, and not just sitting around waiting for them to get online at the same time.
Yesterday I was out again on another job hunt. Hopefully I will get lucky soon because I really need another job. I was really smily even though I was going on no sleep bustin my bum. It was worth it, it will all be worth it, I know it.
Things just feel good.
I feel like I actually have a prince right now even though I am not sure at all if I will ever see her cute face soon, but I will take what I can get.
and Kaela always gives me a reason to smile, I wish I could be lurking somewhere and watch her open her care package when she gets it.
Today I will probably post a few blog, I am taking dress photos for kaela. and then we are dating and also I have been working on some sort of a 19 writing thing or something. So many things.
I'm not doing anything today at all to celebrate my birthday but today is also LOVER SIX MONTHS!!
so amazing and I am going to celebrate that wiht a cam date lover style :)
hopefully it will all work out.

I dont know what happend in the last 24 hours.

I feel this weight on my shoulders shifting,
I feel this dirt getting more meager under me,
I feel the stretched muscle in my legs and arms,
I feel like nothing can stop me from getting up right now.

<3

"What do I look like? The wizard of OZ? You need a brain? You need a heart? Go ahead. Take mine. Take everything I have."

What do you say to that?

I feel torn and unsure determined yet sympathetic. My mind is nowhere to be found tonight, if that is even possible. So much thinking...and not thinking happening all at the same time.
A week from today I will pretty much be homeless, claiming this one yet a guest in another, that sort of sums up my state of mind and being perfectly. I feel almost as if I'm having a outer body experience these days. I am here physically but emotionally and mentally I am lost in other places. I'm distant, more then I have ever been. My smile is forced and something I have to remind myself to do when being spoken to. I feel fake, all I really want to do is be alone, all I really need is time to make sence of this.
I’m letting myself break, I'm letting things fall, I'm waiting to feel this backlash.
Life seems pointless.
The things you try and try to hold on to always fall between your fingers and the things you try and try to rid always stay. Why is life hard? Why do we have to hurt to get stronger? Is it really “stronger” we are getting? or just numb, like a robot.
I feel so distant. My head is a mixture of a million thoughts and feelings like a jigsaw puzzle I can’t figure out.
I don’t know.

Times Are Changing.

my head is spinning.

I'm running out of time with each breath I take I cant delay the inevitable. I know nothing is going to work out the way I want it to, but I know if I dont stop trying that it will eventually work some how.

I dont like being this unsure of so many things.
My head is lost in a million different thoughts tonight.

Ever since you've left theres been an open hole in my chest.

This is hard.
And time has only shown it’s never going to get any easier.
I don’t like this distance.
I can’t read your body for signs your fingers can’t engrave.
Seems like we’re stuck, in this rut I don’t know how we got here in the first place.
So we just keep going, time pushing our past further away.
We keep going right? Yeah, separate ways.
It doesn’t seem fair
Our futures always in our way
What we had was good right?
It can’t be replaced.
I’m just missing those old times,
The way the moon lit up your face.
You’ll always be mine right?
You’re empty words don’t seem to fill up this empty space.

Why is everything so different now?

Things arent really looking up, but things arent really getting worse either. Everything about right now has me feeling rather insignificant and uninspired. I need something to work.
I'll be 19 soon, really soon. I've been thinking about where I was last year at this time. and even though I really have nothing to show for myself of this past year since everything I had grasped has somehow slipped threw my fingers, I still feel like so much has happened and I've grown up leaps and bounds that thinking about how imature and just ignorant to LIFE that I used to be makes me feel all wierd.
I know when I am sitting where ever I am sitting a year from now thinking about this year to come, how it was. Most of the things I will find will be physical.
Like moving, and doing things on my own.
I dont know if I will be happy, or if I am even doing the right thing, but I got to believe that there is a reason all of these things have happened. I know that if I stay here nothing will ever change. I know that as the time get closer hopefully I will find myself more confident in my choice, but that is never going to make it any easier.

I miss the way things used to be..some things.
and I crave the way things will be..some things.
I know I cant have both.