I want something good to die for, something to make it beautiful to live.

I want something good to die for, something to make it beautiful to live.
Home is where the heat is, I've been homeless for the past 5 months.
That is about to change, I am about to reappear on the radair.
I guess this is physically and metaphoricly.
Home is where the heart is, I'm trying to find my way home.

this is it.

I can make myself cry, i just think of something sad, like happy times that we've only had.
sometimes i feel like Ive got some of the best friends that anyone could ever find, they are all so special to me, and then other times i feel like they are shit cause i am conveinient, and even though i know that is the only reason my social life is taking a turn for the up side, i am going to enjoy it because at least they are around at all.

somethings hurt a lot to think about how good they were and i feel two things from thinking about them, i think that it makes me sad, really sad, and i also think that i want it again, that all of the pain of it being over is worth having it again.
i want it again.

sometimes my past seems like another time to me, and im not sure how i lost it, i am sure most days i am still holding it in my hands.

i have no idea how this year will pay out and it has me feeling a little uneasy and anxious, but i am still pretty optimistic.

this.is.it.

i dont understand.

Last night i had two different heart to hearts with two different people simultaneously and in ways everything that was said from both went hand in hand.

i dont understand, it never occured to me that people love differently, just that people are different, love is love, you do or you dont. I love singularly and i dont know how not too. ive put everything in to one thing and i cant not, i want to.
i want to call someone mine and not have to share them at all
and i need them to want me the same way.
its so hard being a singularly oriented person and the person youve chose isnt, chose is the wrong word, but the intent is there.
ive found that over the years this tends to make me miserable a lot, because honestly i need that back. i need to stop filling friends with this role, obviously cause they leave, get busy or find other things as time goes on.

kaela, maybe this makes things make a little more sense? its not about romantic or friendship, its about..exactly what a penguin represents.always, everything. i know you cant help it, and the way things make me feel i cant really control either. its not fair to you that your this person to me, its really not, and its not fair to me either.
this is why i feel replaced, not as your lover, not as your penguin, not even as your friend, but in spaces i used to fill more that ive got to share.
this will work itself out eventually, and now i can see where ive faulted in it all, you should of never been able to replace emily and nor her jesse or any of the others before them.

goodbye.

I am leaving this place.
Every day I look around and I try to let every part of being where I am sink into me.
The smell, the feeling of it, this was my first home.
I became everything I am in the unfilled spaces of this place.
I will miss the good things.
The smell of cereal down town, the friends I never see the memories of when I did see them.
It’s hard to part with all of the things I’ve become overly attached to, but I am letting nothing go, just making space between.
For the first time in my life, I am the one leaving.

Things I think of at work.

Man depleting life decreasing he is dead
I open his shirt open his chest
I tear out his lungs, tear out his ribs.
I ate his heart till there was nothing left.
Man full of love with every breath, love goes on, but he, he is dead.

I'll love you for it.

Its tested through distance of time and space the real strength of a friendship
its not always being around or never leaving at all, its the place youve ingraved in my heart that lets us pick up where we left off

we might not be always but i promise i will love you for it.yeah we might not be...but ill love you for it.

:]

I havent felt this way in so long, i feel like I am flying.
i dont know what caused this personal high i am expierencing tonight but i can only hope as things keep working out that it will stay around.

:D

maybe its not my weekend but its gonna be my year.
twothousandandten.

we were.

Remember the days when i would run to you? run to you?
well now Im just running in place, running somwhow further away from you.
everyday i feel my heart break from you...once upon a time it was dead and it would race for only you.
i keep wondering what i did wrong? but i go over it again and i can find none on my fault.
I loved you,you knew it. i still do, it makes no difference.
thats all we are, we were best friends.
Im just running in place, maybe youll come around if i stay? maybe i can feel that again when the smile smothers your face.
i see it in pictures but its never the same, its not mine.
id give up anything, but for all the months ive been running in place ive been getting somewhere.
youre happy and Im bitter about it.
you miss me as much as i miss you, i dont believe you.
its killing me, youd be dead,
kept in the basement with worries i havent fed.
i want to see you swallow it whole.
we dont talk anymore and your lies get you by, keep me holding on, hold me tonight?
i miss your warmth wrapped around me tight, nowhere for holes to chill me, lies.
They get to me now in this cold apartment; i feel them creeping open every night, and ive got a new one ive named after you, its draft never subsides, its been going strong for 9 months, 9.
i miss laying in bed picking a part eachothers chest till we knew them inside out, nothings left.
ive got secrets now you wouldnt want to know.
you dont see me, no you dont see me at all.
my heart...
at night i hold the rest, clenching hard on to brusied ribs, i hold whats left, hold it inside, i cannot say its something i regret.
youre not really mine anymore and i know it, which means you never really were, i know it.
i think about all the nights you had me convienced you were.
i was all yours.
now i just think, and i think it really hurts to think.
Im not a princess, this isnt a fairytale.
Im just are girl and youre just to busy working 15 to 20 hours a week to see.
what if our love isnt enough,
its not undying and ever lasting.
Ive needed you here.
ive been running in place and you just cant keep up...
you didnt even try.
you never left but youre never around.
are you going to be busy for the rest of your life?
ive cried from you more times then fingers and toes of everyone im around could count.
ive died inside waiting for you.
im not living, im just walking around.
i love you.

fuzzy blue lights.

I listen to this song over and over and it doesnt end, over and over it doesnt end.
I am sitting here tonight and I feel like I need to write need to share because the truth is ive been keeping a lot to myself.
I'm not sure this is going to work out, but Im never going to give it up till you hate me for it.
I'm tired of being angry all the time, for reasons i cant control, for reasons i shoudnt even be angry, but it bothers me, it does.

Im tired of crying, Im tired of being sad,

im tired of letting you down, i know i do even though you dont say it, nothing ever works out perfectly like we want.
Its not your job to save me, you can walk away at any second.
im not your anchor so dont hold on to me.

I keep trying to think of all the good that will come, its really all that keeps me going, curling up in a ball wont change anything for me, its not that i have a good head on my shoulders or that i know how to handle this well.

i dealing with life, im not living.

life is fagile.

things are going to change. im tired of waiting for you to be the person I know you were.
you make me so sad



ive got so much to do in a month, but everything is pretty much already set besides finding a place.

oh please will at least one thing go right for me? please?
am i really that bad of a person?
makes me hate myself, everythings my fault.

its my favorite time to be alive.

Mondays at work always seem so fucking long, and ive got a head ache.
i couldnt see myself working in this factory for years to come no matter how good the pay.
i think id like my next job to be something chil with food, like the other night when i went to sweet waters with lizz and lyndz, no costomers and donuts, i could totally thrive :p muahah

things really arent any better but i genuienly just dont give a fuck about anything or anyone right now, im whatcha call detached.

your beginning is half over

Lately ive felt very antisocial and Ive tried really hard to not give in to it. Ive talked but it doesnt make a difference but after last night i feel a little better then i have been. its nice to have someone say something different then im sorry i wish i could help. even if its just that they believe in me.
i look forward to everyday to come, every moment I have yet to unwravel
even if i will always miss the old ones in the distance.
if its meant to be it will be.
nothing worth having comes easy, yes.

I spent today walking in my past, that is the best way to discribe it, that is how i feel when im with jesse, lyndz or lizz, or its like they are visiting a future version of me. we havent seen eachother in so long, but everything still comes easy, i just dont feel the same and as much as ive missed them a part of me just wants to put a lid on that time in my life where they all played bigger roles.
Ive been saying for a while id like to have my future but with parts of my past intertwined still in it and that is exactly what ive gotten lately. my past and present mixing.

even though what im getting isnt exactly what i want i know its enough.


i think with my heart, i follow my head.


times are changing.

5 weeks.

I am so high i am never coming down, cause youre mine, you decided to stay decided to stay around.


i wish i felt that way.
i would give anything almost to feel that way.

theres a lot to do, but tomorrow i will get to hangout with lyndz and lizz for the first time in 9 months.

i feel like im really in control of eveything right now and at the same time i feel like im not in control of anything
i still want to cry

im afraid

That everything we are is everything we ever were and before i know it this love light will burn out just like hers.
i dont think i can take it, no i really dont.
im afraid, not jealous.
hoping for the best just hopin nothing happens.
im not as strong
and every day this weight lays heavy on me.
i want out.
i want something better.
and no matter what
i get the good with the bad
the bad always seems to out weight the rest
how will i ever digg myself out of this sunken chest.
i am afraid
i am afraid you wont look at me the same
when you see,
see that .my smile has changed
its a piece of work ive learned to display.
im fine but im afraid.
i Have nothing to say
we wont say it, weve changed.
youre not mine
you dont even see me.

solo

Ive got this giant hole in my chest that i feel a constant draft blowing through.
god i miss you, i love you, you break me so sweet.

ive got this feeling inside that i might explode. i really do love you so much.
Im just happy?
im afraid

im in an odd mood today.
days like these im glad i have a jobby so i have something to do at all.

blahh.
i should be happy right now but i feel like crying.

9 months of dating
8months since ive seen you; since you promised id be seeing a lot of you, so soon.
4 months since ive left, still you fuck everything up with the infinent reach of your arm.
6 weeks till NM.

im alone not lonely, just hold me tonight

I am ready.
i am ready
i am ready.

im know i wont kid myself running away from this that all of these feelings will go away
i just need new distractions, rather then the same old ones tainted by everything thats happened.

im feeling a little rough around the edges today.

so tell me you love me cause it makes me feel alive<3

This year things will change, ive got a rumble in my belly but i cannot know what these changes will bring, or if they will make me happy at all but as long as my feet are on the ground and my heart stays lost high up in the clouds i think that everything will be alright. this is like ripping out your organs just to see if they will stick to the wall, this is like jumping not knowing whats at the bottom, I will not come out of this unscraped or unchanged i do not expect that much, but this year ; dear days i have yet to meet, just know that i am expexpecting so much out of each of you, so please oh please dont let me down to low.
i am alone right now for the first time this year and ive had a lot on my mind lately crawling under the surface of my skin that i can finally sit here and pick each one out. december sort of flew by even as i impatiently counted down each day, and now its nearly half way through january and before i know it i will be in another state far away from this spot i sit and type this at now. I am ready for that.
honestly eventhough it is the beginning of a new year it hasnt felt that way for me yet, i feel like everything is still closing up and coming to an end, i havent started over yet.
i had a great time these last few weeks with kaela and seeing jesse was peaches, and emily, my emily i hope i will see her before i go.

it is time to grow up again