today is the day.

I am on a train right now for the first time in my life and i am going to a state ive never been to before today as well to see a girl that well ive seen many times but only for the second time in the skin. and im pretty stoked contradicting the feeling of purging in the back of my throat. today is the day.

see you next year.

I have been sickly, but i think im getting better, at least I hope! today has seemed really long and this morning feels like days ago probably a lot to do with the nothingness i filled my day with, after all christmas is just another day if you dont celebrate it and jesus well he was just another boy born on this day if you dont believe in him either.
I spent the day sleeping a lot but gave up on it after my phone wouldnt stop going off, and then i guess i just spent the day reading and talking to kaela and jesse a lot.
Tonight i am totally stoked and smiley now that christmas is over which means after the two days that follow i will be with a cute doctor lover girl pengiun hehehe, i cant wait.
I cant really think of words to express how that makes me feel, like i could scream? like i could run? NO! my doctor wouldnt approve.

ive got about a month and a half left before im suppose to move and i can only hope that things start feeling like theyve got meaning and a point in doing them.

one last thing, i dont like christmas and i dont like new years for the simple facts, my family is stupid and i have a hard time parting with my years. for some people new years fills them with hope and renews something in them, but for me it just kills something and implodes it inside of my stomach and makes me feel all to singular.
life seems to short when you restart every 365 days.

am i missing?

Completely alone in a place of millions.

Everything is Kismet

I will be the elephant in the room,
that sets the mood and holds your gloom.
your heavy chest.
The draft from outside
and the rash marking your face from your cries.
The hard floor beneath you
the empty satisfaction you sleep to.
the laugh echoing from others defeats you.
I will be everything kismet,
Your roots turning grey
your bed where you sleep alone and lay awake.
The guilt that you hide is a thorne in your side
its your pride full of tears youll never cry that gives every weapon with lack of merrit justified.
you are kismet
Our bodies apart
our hearts, share the same clean swip leaving both of them scared.
These two are stubborn
that one is a caniving hag.
all ignorant
for they know not what they will lose.
everything is kismet,
life goes on
family, i wouldnt know

tonight

Tonight i feel like if someone wanted to use my body to let out a bit of pent up aggression, i would let them, i would let them beat the shit out of me and id sit there and take it. thats what i feel like tonight.
as a metaphore to my life, if i tried to fight back and i wasnt strong enough in the end i will have tried and not given up but it was all pointless.

a lot of things seem pointless.
im tired.

a little different, a little more of the same

So i am laying in bed tonight and i cant sleep and everyones too busy to text me I guess but i feel like blogging cause my perspective has changed but the feeling in my gut is still the same.

love has no rules or boundaries
and makes no sense most of the time.

i dont know why going with out seeing my prince makes me cry like a bitch, but when i talk to her i feel like an asshole but i feel better
but i know i will be crying again in a few weeks because i will still be alone and the time will be longer yet since ive seen her.

the heart wants what it wants and as happy as i am to be seeing all of these people lyndz, lizz, jesse and even kaela
honestly there will be at least one minute i will look at each of them and wish they were emily. and i feel horrible about that.
it makes me sad that there not enough, i know ive got good friends that care so much but when it comes down to it
i need my prince and there is nothing and no one that can really make me feel better but her.

im a bolt loose of a complete machine.

This weekend has sucked ass and my cheeks are all red and sore cause i cant stop fucking crying. i dont know how i feel about anything, im feeling everything and ive got everything to say and at the same time nothing, nothing at all, im feeling the swich from sad to anger happening though im not sure how long it will last before i am crying like a bitch again, i need to function some how.
usually i can shake this feeling by now and feel better, but im trying to not talk to you so you cant do your magic little thing where you make my head spin and youre not bothering to talk to me either which has delt me this past weekend

These past 7 months have changed me over and again, and ive needed you there so fucking much.
and this, these tears mean nothing cause i love you, always will, which means as long as im in control of my own two legs ill never leave you.

ttys

question.

Why does your face get dry and itchy when you cry for?
I dont know what triggored my sob fest this time, but its always the same reasons.
its always you, and how happy and carefree you are going on with your little life leaving me in the dust to collect the dirt that will lead me home some place you are.

but dirt is everywhere
this is getting me nowhere.

if you wanted to be around you would be and your not.
i think just realizing its been seven months now since ive seen you, this month has been so busy for me and has gone by so fast, but the heart never misses a beat does it. it never forgets.
you havent wanted to see me really once for 7 months now.
best friends?
i think this is royally fucked up, you break me.
happy christmas.

i have a feeling i will be writing about you a lot.

I wish that i could be brutally honest with you, but i cant, at least not anymore, you make me sad most of the time. Ive needed you sooo much and you dont care you dont give a fuck, times are changing. im growing stronge and as distant as our bodies that dont touch

it was a rough week and now its over;

My eyes are warm,
my fingers hurt, my job is taxing.
my shoulders hurt,
im exhausted
and I need a break
I dont want to slow down though
I just need to be able to keep this pace and function
Jesse makes me smile so much,
kaela is going to make me sing :/ ha that shows how much i love her if moving thousands of miles away from home didnt convence here ha.
things seem to be going alright i think,
sometimes i get things played out in my head before they happen and its all wrong.
a lot of things are still the same though,
like sleeping on the cold floor,being black sheeped and taken advantage of
all in a days work.
i think this blog sucks
im just writing sentence as they come
theres no flow to it ha, lameeee
i wish i werent alone right now
i get to seeeeee kaela in 8 days now i can hardly believe it.
im spending christmas alone
i dont mind much it doesnt feel like christmas anyway
i cant believe i will hopefully be moving in 6 weeks the thought is rediculous.
umm ha i should end this
goodnight happy christmas

truth, i didnt even notcied.

Not until you spilled your guts.
Ive been to caught up in myself lately.
Im so angry all of the time
everyday i feel this boiling up and sImmering down inside myself.

yawwwwwwwn.

Im tired, i should be sleeping, i dont know whats good for me obviously. 60 of work this week, 3 days next then then then...4? or 5 days till LOVER! and maybe seeing jesse on christmas? and when i get back. wow@social life ha.

"lindsay wishes she could master the art of sleeping and telling you about everything youve missed: but yes, she is only human, so sleeeep will win tonight"

my head is spinning, my heart is heavy, my hands are busy. I feel all mixed up :/

yay@moobile blogging!

Mobile blog? Haha check check..

your a sunday afternoon with nothing to do

I'm not naive enough not to know that there isnt bad in the world, but nonetheless i know there is good in it as well. I'm not open minded enough to see the good or beauty in everyone but i still think everyone has something to offer, a role to play. I believe in second chances but I dont give them out. I dont believe anything that happens is not fair, sometimes I will say its not out of human habit but I believe more then anything what is meant to be will be, everything happens for a reason. I have felt the drastic changes over the years in myself but it still seems to me that people will never change. I want to relive my past with my futures differences.
I've got a one track mind that is aways a consistanly double standard but still somehow all of these things work for me.

Tell me what it feels like to be so sure of yourself?
Well honestly I'm not even a little for not even a second.

Lately I seriously walk around feeling everything, happy, thankful,warm, sad, and miserable.
Sometimes when the room is quiet I can feel my insides screaming out for something I'm not sure of because the fact of the matter is I've been trying to ignore it long enough to get through a few more weeks.
Life seems to be held together by a fragile little thread for me and I am all to aware at every sharp object that circles it.

swing swing

Swing swing swing, feels like Ive been doing a lot of that the past few months, something falls through I latch on to something else, I call this getting by. i dont like the unstability of it. I dont like having a place to sleep but still technically being homeless. i hate that if i miss another day of work i will be out a job even though my boss tells me im doing really good there. " the future is near but never certain" yes.
Kaela has been making me blush so much lately, I cant wait to see her.
I've been talking to jesse loads, the other day she invited me to hangout and I seriously feel giddy and nervous as a school girl about it. ahhhh its odd cause of everything that happened but at the same time its amazing how it doesnt matter not and we can talk like we used to, i just wonder if it will feel the same to me, i guess we will know when I see her if we have both changed too much and wanting the past just isnt good enough.

its the weeeeeekend; lets have fun.

always me, always you.

I have no self control when youre pulling my heart strings, dear puppet master lets kick this out one more time we're with friends.
youre the one that said my smile lights up this whole room, i never agree, a smile always looks best on you. and youre the one that said always me, and always you. I always hear you say how my smile makes you feel so good, my smile?? and that it lights this spark inside of you youd of burnt out without. I've never told you the way you showed me this life inside myself, the way i still feel just as inanimate when you leave, and non existent till i meet your gaze and see you smile, yeah you smiling at me. Its only then do i ever feel Im really in a room, that my hands and legs arent coming unglued, its only then.

when youre around i feel like a child again, not stuck between this warp of inanimate and human, but i know now that every word was only lip service, we're here for the show, and it will be the best damn show. no strings attached.
at least I'm a puppet at least im not real. id get my feelings hurt when you put me back up on the shelf, till another night, another twilight, at least puppets dont cry.

i'll never leave you though just like my legs will never walk without the slide of your hand, and I'll always wait till you come back. I wait here till you come back, youll come back you always come back to me.

this is the first day of my life, im glad i didnt die before i met you

Almost every day i wake up smiling cause I know I'm another day closer to another place warmer. I have been blushing a lot the last few days to the point that every inch of my body almost feels all warm and fuzzy. Right now my feet are freezing but Im to lazy to go put any socks on. and i seriously cannot stop eating, but I'm a smiley fool cause of the bananas I found in the kitchen.

I really donnot like snow and it has been coming down for more then the last 24hrs straight, i couldnt go to work today because of it, because the roads are ice, i hope this shit clears up before saturday so i can take my road test, and be an offical licensed driver.

my mom and little brother are yelling again and its making it really fuckin hard to think, i helped lyndz get a job at asmo and when she ignored me yesterday that seriously sort of rubbed me the wrong way, and then while i was on break before doing over time lastnight emily called, and it was pathetic how many things that i couldnt think to say in 5 minutes, i dunno whats wrong with me, my hearts just not in a lot of things right now but only one thing for sure, 17 days, i cant wait.

guess whos back?

Lindsays back, tell some men, haha

so ive decided that i can start posting blogs again erry day or at least a hell of a lot more often because i do have nets on my phone, with that being said they will be short.

i am exausted right now its been a long day of waiting,freezing,starving,working and the such. hopefully tomorrow more of the hrs in the day i will spend sleeeping!

i found out today that i will be spending christmas aloneeee this year which is sort of something i foresaw months back. but all in the same im not sad about it infact for the last hr of work today i kept myself awake by repeating all of the christmas like songs flowing through my head so i dobt really know how i feel i think im sort of upbeat about it only cause i get to see kaela soon, thats pretty much all i want for christmas and im getting it, ive got a lover ticket!.

jingle bells, batman smells, robin layed an egg, somthing something joker got away hahah its seriously been years since that song has crossed my thoughts.

goodnight streetlight, goodnight moon

Forget everything you think you know about me, this isnt high school this isnt high school

Again do the lyriics of Brand New float to the top of my subconscience.

lately ive been observing this occuration with the people that i am surrounded by everyday
its become really clear to me that the person you were in high school and the things you did dont mean shit for who you will be and how much ass you are capable of getting in the "real" life afterit.
All the click barriers that we put infront of ourselfs then arent tall enough to still hold there own weight.

we are all just people. i am just a person.
i can do anything, go anywhere, be anyone as long as it makes me happy and i will always be accepted for it by someone, even if its not "family" the ones that are suppose to love you unconditionally.

i am so ready for NM, im so ready to stop having this ucky fog hanging over my head,
if anyone doesnt want to be a part of my life its honestly there loss, im not going to lose sleep over things i cant control.

i still feel so lucky

maybe its not my weekend but its gonna be my year!