Bullshit.

this is all such complete bullshit.
It keeps hurting and I dont want to deal with it.
I shouldnt have to deal with it.
I'm seriously debating going back to MI,
this is not the future I want.

3/18

I am feeling rather rough tonight.
and I have no one to talk to since anyone I would want to talk to is either busy or sleeping with a life sized batman doll.
I am so lonely out here that it makes me angry and it was the same back in michigan.
it doesnt go away, moving didnt help.
I honestly dont know what to do.
I just want to show everyone that they are wrong, and I can do this,
but I am so tired of fighting.
I do what I do because I dont have anyother choice,

I am so tired of being alone all of the time.
and this lonliness just makes me not want to be around anyone.


no one really understands.I cant even explain this right.

Am I wrong.

I'm so tired of my room and sleep comes with a knife fork and a spoon.

Once again brand new has my heart.
I'm in sort of an odd mood, lonely and I want to be alone.
Not talk to anyone.
I cant wait till next week is over.
I cant wait till jesse is here,
I cant wait till I get a job, hopefully soon.

The future is tearing us apart as we speak. :/

I've got a feeling...

I am laying here in the sort of state that I am just smiling, and I have nothing different to smile about, but I feel sort of unstoppable.
Life is so unstable and beautiful and unfair and over all good?
Theres no places like home, take me home city streets or country roads_ The time travelers wife.

March madness.

Well march is half way over now, its technicly lover 11 months today even though I havent been to bed tonight, I have a feeling I wont be getting much sleep but I really need to fix my sleeping habbits, and now that Ive got my ssc I am going to start trying to get a job, because like it or not I need one to stay out here, and also it would help giving me something to do and hopefully a bit with the social life. Jesse is coming here for spring break and I am very excited about that, I feel so special.
I have been pretty upbeat about being out here, but sometimes I get overly lonely to the point I want to blow my brains out. i am not one that does well on my own for extended periods of time.

I have been talking to amanda again for the first time in over a year, and that makes me smile.

Lucky to have been where I have been, I wish we were there now. you will you will you will, lucky Im in love with my best friend.

Vagina Girl, Amandabareee

I have been slacking at writing in here, and it not because I have been too busy, just rather absent minded, I have been writing still just in ink. I have been lost in my own thoughts a lot lately, thinking about the past.Kaela recently brought up a girl from my past, she likes to call her my vagina girl, but shes always been so much more then that to me, I found her recently and I have been talking to her again, it is sort of predictable how all those old feelings come right back to the surface, I am not falling for her again, but I am falling into the past I wish I were there with her again. It took me so long to even want to be in a relationship with anyone else, till recently , and now I just feel all mixed up.

she is one of those people you meet that instantly change your life, they leave a big impression on you, and that just leaves an even bigger gap when they leave. I have never been more captivated by anyone.
They say you love everyone differently which is how you are able to love and be in love more then once with more then one person, I wish I could love that exact way again.
and a part of me wishes it could still be her but honestly our presents have come so far from our past that its almost impossible.

In a perfect world we would still be together.
but in this world I am used to being alone.

I will never forget, she was one of the best feelings I have ever had, and kaela that has nothing to do with girl sexing:p
I wish I could explain but I feel like I just did a really bad job.

Brave. Singular. Same thing.

What does it mean to be brave? What do you have to do to be considered brave? What does it take to be considered brave in another’s eyes?
Lately I have gotten this a lot, “Lindsay what you’re doing is really brave.” and the truth is that I am not saving anyone. Some people might even say that I am running away from my problems, but I swear I’m not. Moving to New Mexico was a way for me to get sort of a fresh start from everything that was burnt out. I have no concept for time or distance and obviously I have no concept for fear or danger either. I realize what I am doing is brave to some people, but to me it is just something that I have to do to proceed in life. Everything happens for a reason, and everything will be okay no matter what, and if everyone realized that, then our anxieties would be a lot less pill privileged.
My whole life feels like it could cave in at any second, I felt that living back in Michigan so moving here not much has changed. I can’t explain how singular I feel in this world. Jesse used a metaphor with her friends the other day when we were talking “it’s like trying to fit a square into a circle.” Sometimes I wonder if there is really a person out there complementing me? Everything seems so out of reach.
I really want to meet new people.

grr.

I guess it is normal to feel this way but, what I really want to know is why? exactly I feel this way?
I want to detach this bullshit from my life, and that seems rather impossible without giving up to much.
And I know I could do that, but would it be worth it?
would I really be better off?
I dont know why it erks me, and I laugh about it, but it bothers me most.

and the ball is rolling

This is my 9th? night in New Mexico and my first night alone, in my new residency. I like this city, I like this house. This is the biggest room I have ever had, and the people I am living with are really likable. Now I just need to focus on getting a job then everything will be peaches.

Time flys out here.

I have been in Albuquerque a whole week now, and for the most part I have really enjoyed it. I really like it here. Time is flying, days seem to blend together, but it is nice here, I really enjoy being able to see kaela ALL OF THE TIME and its nice knowing that this will not change for a while. I miss parts of home, but I think the distance for now it just what I need.

Sunshine!

you are my sunshine,
my only sunshine,
you make me happy when skies are grey.
please, oh please dont take my sunshine away.

I guess I wrote this on the bus ride down to NM Feb,23.

I dont always see beauty in everyone, most of the time I'm not really sure I see it in myself. I see faces on the street and they are not people to me, not unless they impact me in some way with more then there mere presence. I am traveling and I see them, these two random people in the middle of life and right then is when I start thinking that there are all of these people living lives and I am totally oblivious to them, to there loses there victorys, there love, there lifes. I see other people a road worker and most of all, all of the traffic, but they are not people, they are just cars in the way, or workers doing there job, I dont think about what its like when they go home? I dont know why this matters to me at all, but I feel like I need to know more people because when there are millions of people I feel like I am missing out.
When I first started on this roadless travel I was thinking about my grandma, I think about her more then I addmitt, everyday, but at that moment what struck me was what I used to hear here say when ever see would complain about some young kid she heard about. shed say "All young people think that they are invincible" but I guess taht sort of goes toe in toe with the youth being wasted on the young, everyone being so ready to live, waiting for it to happen and then they are old, they tell there selfs, If I would of known what I know now?
I think that what I am doing is pretty ballsy, so many things could go wrong, but I dont think I am invincible, I'm not afraid because I know at the end everything will be okay, but is it really that I am just that desperate to live?
I never felt like I was living back home, I didnt like the life I had, so now I traded it in for a new one, it is to early to say what I think of what I've got now, I just know that only time will tell.

Jessedeeeeeeew

From the day that I met you, I have been captivated by you, there’s this pull I have too you that won’t let me walk away. It is really something that nothing can explain; Like gravity or some kind of silly fate. I’m pretty sure that no matter where I would of went in this world it wouldn’t have ended without our paths crossing again, I am so glad we’re back, it’s one of the best feelings.
I love you for who you are, and I have grown to admire the person you have been. Your smile has always brightened my days, not a half fast one or a scrunch face, but full on teeth and dimples down to your chin, that is one of my most favorite things.
I like the things you think and the thoughts from your head. I like the way you sleep with monsters under bed.
You make me laugh, and smile and make dead things feel new. I don’t know how to go back to the person I was before you. I need you in my life otherwise not even the sun shines as bright.
I am so proud of you.

Thought for food

"I’ve lived through my share of misfortune and ive worked in the blazing sun but how long should it take someone before they can be someone."

Feeeeeeelings.

Feelings.
Conscience.
Anger.
Heat.
Tears.
Aceptance.
Feel better.
Move Forward.

So I went to see this play the other night out here called "The dead mans cell phone" and I am still thinking about it right now for more reasons then the fact that they said "Girl, you dont know your ass from youre dickens" and when people died in that play where ever they go to they kiss by rubbing head hairs. Ahh the things I find cute.
but I am still thinking about it for a number of reasons.
I dont remember exactly but they said something about how talking on a cell phone is so impersonal, everyone can hear youre hole conversation and no body seems to mind that now a days, and another part of it was that after you have that conversation it is lost, into nowhere, into thin air. I guess you might remember it but it is meaningless if its not written down. So millions of people are saying I love you into thin air. It needs to be documented to be real.
And then another part of it was a bout how people avoid things, like love, and they trick there self into liking someone or talk thereself out of being with someone, something I am overly guilty of, but I think the point of that in the play was that when you die in this play you go with whoever you truely love, like some people only love thereselfs, and I guess the main character realized that she didnt want to be alone she didnt want her life to dissapear into thin air, she didnt want to die in a diner and fall in love with the stranger sitting across from her, even then its only the unreaqited kind of love. so she wanted to love absolutly from that second on
I dont know, I guess some people just need a bigger wake up call then others.
"A womans life is love, a mans love is life"

I dont know if that made any sense but I am still thinking about it for some reason.
I'm not really sure how its made me feel yet.