Thxgiving this year

I havent been on a real computer in a while which is why i havent posted anything new for a while. for the most part ive been pretty up beat lately id say. ive gotten half the piercings i want, i got a phoney,and other then that ive just been working a lot of 10 hour days keeping myself busy and time seems to be flying by once its in my review mirror of my invisible car of course! i get to see kaela in a month and i am so very stoked, not for a second does my mind wander far from that. The things that i am thankful for this year are seem to be such a stretch from what i would of put on a list last year had i made one, but i do have a few things that i am thankful for this year....1) kaela. she has become such a big part of my life, my every day, my dreams and even my future.2) my job, that has given me money for other thigs i am thankful for like like my phoney, facial holes and money to actually go to nm soon! 3) is my mom because even though i dont like it her id be sleeping on the street somewhere probably. and lastly 4) i am thankful for all the bullshit ive gottwn this year, its really made everything. i feel different all over again, in someways almost new. ive been pretty optimistic with the odds ive got.

Every action is made from two things, Fear or Love.

There are billions people who walk this earth living similarly parallel lives to mine every single day and we all live secret quite lives of desperation. I can tell you that there’s more telling in the reason behind a lie than you will find in the truth. So why do we do it? Why can’t we be honest? Because we’re afraid to have our cake and eat it too; because in reality getting what we really want would mean that our everyday normal day would inevitably change. Everyone would see that we are not the perfect person that we portray to be every single fucking day or even the person they thought we were at all. Life is give and take, and to every action there is an equal counter weight. Someone dies, there’s always someone born again and so on and so forth these are things we all know in the back of our mind somewhere it is imprinted next to the golden rule, and I don’t believe that, in being perfect, I believe the people perceived as perfect in another’s eyes are the truly desperate people. They are someone who would give anything not to walk the perfect straight line in their own shoes; I know what it’s like to walk in those shoes. I can watch in my mind’s eye how everything fell a part and unfolded in to my life now, how in my perfect shoes I started to trip and stumble until they wore there self’s off of me, How I started doing anything to feel again, to feel alive feel anything but that perfect desperate numbness. I never knew who I wasn’t until I felt the cement cutting up my bare feet.
My whole life, each chapter of it so far has been about someone else. I was born a people pleaser; and I can say anything with a pen but I lack the ability to let my voice be heard. I want to make everybody happy like they have never been before, as long as they will let me because that is what it is with me, the lack of self value. The way I prefer that people leave me, because I would never have the strength to move on with my life over wise, somehow I can justify to myself that, if someone else walks out of my life its okay because I will live, but if I leave I wouldn’t know how the story ended.
I am 19 years old and I don’t know the person I was even two years ago. I have changed a lot over the years, most people have just seen it through my physical appearances, but my insides have done 180s as well. I used to be perfect, the apple of someone’s eye, but eventually I got rotten, but that shit happens with fruit. When I think about that girl I used to be, I don’t feel like I was ever really honestly “me.” Everything I did was because someone else wanted me to do it, because it would make someone more important to me then myself happy, because there happiness was in the end more important to me then my own that I could justify all of the things I gave up to do it. There used to be a time when nothing could make me feel like I was happy like making someone else happy, and I can still feel the way that swells today, but it’s a temporary fix to a lifelong problem and in the end it only makes me miserable and more alone when no one comes around. I’ve probably never been more honest with who I really am and what I really want in my whole life then I am at this moment. I’ve lost a lot of things along the way admitting what I really want, but in the end I think once I can be honest with myself I can be solitarily happy on my own, I don’t live a life of desperation. I don’t settle for anything if it’s not really what I want. My life is the way it is now because of that, this is my normal every day, and I am still a person walking a parallel life to yours, and one day I will lose myself again I’m sure but I’m holding on tight to right now.

it rhymes but makes no sense

Lately im at odds, i feel so unbalenced/ situations riding on a teeder todder/its like im being showed up by midgets with there tall talents/and ive got tall tales/I've swam in the ocean so I've swam with whales, and sharks, rotting ship junk and boddies of bones/ Theres always someone better and theres always some one worse/ but i dont seem to be noticed and its the only bit that hurts/ Its doing your job and taking home your work/ its dreaming of this shit, its a hypocrite in church/its holding on to something that had no problem leaving you behind just so youll be waiting when they come back into your life/They say time is telling and all will be revealed/but theres no answer to the question or words for how i feel/Im a stranger in my own skin/ the things i want cease to co exist/ i dont want my past to be my present but id like partsof what it was to be apart of it/I'm buying my time but the time I'm keeping track of is paying me/ Im getting out of this town/ i want to be better keep happiness more efficiently/i must be doing something wrong its obvious the problems me/ i dont know how to change this robots default setting/

Theres something in the air and I'm finding it hard to breathe.

I’ve been listening to “Taking Back Sunday” a lot lately, Songs I never got before seem to make perfect sense now. Every time I listen to them I think of the feud they had with Jesse Lacy, and why he left, and sometimes I wonder what their music would sound like now with him still in there band, but then again, fate, right? I mean if that never happened then my favorite band wouldn’t exist. It is just another one of those things that had to happen, think of all the amazing songs that came out of it, like the song, There’s no I in team, when I could sympathize with the Seventy Times 7 song, that song had a totally different meaning to me, but now that a lot has changed in my life the song “There’s no I in team” has a whole new meaning to me, especially the part where he says “best friends means you get what you deserve.” Before I always took it as a Karma like thing, but now, “best friends means you get what you deserve.” Makes me think; Jesse deserved more, not Jesse deserves to have his world fucked up, but it had to happen for the real stuff to happen. I don’t know why thinking about those two bands always makes me think of My Jesse as well and what happened, but since recently we are cool again and maybe that is why I have a different perspective, I don’t know, I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.
Everything is at odd stages, like everything is hovering before it falls; it’s too quite to be comfortable, I’m too unsure to be sure about anything. I’ve been at my mom’s now nearly two months and in a lot of ways I feel like I’m starting over all over again, because I lost something very important to me, that even if one day gets fixed will never be the same, and nothing can take back all the damage that has been done. I feel like a stranger in my own skin, I look in the face and I see the same ole familiar face, though its changed through the years, it has always stayed the same to me, but I don’t recognize these thoughts that keep wandering through my head. I feel like who I am has been altered all over again and I just want to go back to the girl I was 8 months ago cause I don’t know who she is anymore just like that girl didn’t know who she was a year before that. This keeps happening to me and it makes me wonder if anyone else feels the way I do, or thinks about any of the crazy shit that I spend my days wondering about. Things I carry around weighing down my insides until somehow words come and release these odd fucking things. I feel like I am about to explode if I don’t get to sit down and write something soon, but I have been too busy to even pick up a pen lately, even keeping up on letters is getting tough. I really like my new job but having both of these jobs is wearing on me, every day I wake up shower, clean, finish getting ready, make dinner before work, and then work until 11 and by the time I get home I am spent and pass out, and I wake up the next day and do it all over again, I hate that part, but I am still very satisfied and wouldn’t have it any other way. I think of my life a lot like what I was talking about up top with Jesse Lacy’, I feel like I’ve been alive for 19 years now and I have yet to really live for more than a few moments.
I know this is a weird sort of update blog, all I can really say is that I got a second job a few weeks ago and I have a lot of time to think at work which is where all of this is coming from. I’m feeling isolated again, just not from public this time, but from where I would rather be. I’ve been in a odd fucking mood lately that makes me want to throw the rest of what I have so it can catch up to everything else on its way down, and things are actually as good as they could be at this point in my life, I guess I am just really fucking ungrateful, but I’m not, I’m just not happy… yet.
I guess this sort of nostalgia is supposed to happen at the end of the year; I’m just really missing everything about my life 8 months ago. I had all of this time in front of me, and thinking about the way all of this time I was so excited about has turned out makes me sick. I miss seeing my prince all of the time more than anything, but I miss the other little things to that I used to have. I don’t have anything I had 8 months ago really and it makes me sad. Isn’t that the way life is though, constantly missing the way things were and eventually the present becomes the past and you don’t even realize what you had until you’re missing it too. Humans are so fucked up, indecisive, and ungrateful. I will show you what I mean.
1] I still very much have my prince, I mean she might not have the time of day for me much anymore, but I never lost her and she still very much means the world to me, and she tries more than most people still.
2] I knew kaela 8 months ago barely, but I’m trying to keep one of the best things about my life right now out of this.
3] Something my mom said the other day to my grams has sort of been bugging me, because I can sit here and say honestly that people do care about me, but like my mom said; everyone I talk to anymore is pretty much out of state, and that’s not right.
4] I have everything that I wanted to have after getting kicked out now and I’m still not happy with it, I just want to be 4 or so months from now, and half the time with all of this shit being put in my head, I don’t know exactly where I will be in 4 months. I know where I want to be, and it wouldn’t matter where on this earth I ended up as long as I was with them, but still I can’t help but wonder now, well what if I stay a little longer? But I can’t do that because I can’t go back on my word and if I was honest with myself I would just admit that I’m still fucking scared out of my mind, but I still want to. Every 1 more day I spend in MI is another day I would have been in MI.
See I’m indecisive, because I want two different things that can’t co-exist, staying longer, and leaving on time. I’m ungrateful because I am lucky as shit to have another job now, but it still doesn’t make me happy and I’m probably ungrateful for my prince as well because I bitch so much about not seeing her but she has never turned her back on my like a lot of other people, and I know no matter how caught up she gets in a boy she will never completely forget about or turn her back on me, and all of this makes me fucked up. I’m such a fucking asshole, and this was a very lame blog for an update, but the truth is I really don’t have an update, I just feel a lot about too many things and it gives me this lump in my throat that I can’t get down.