today is the day.

I am on a train right now for the first time in my life and i am going to a state ive never been to before today as well to see a girl that well ive seen many times but only for the second time in the skin. and im pretty stoked contradicting the feeling of purging in the back of my throat. today is the day.

see you next year.

I have been sickly, but i think im getting better, at least I hope! today has seemed really long and this morning feels like days ago probably a lot to do with the nothingness i filled my day with, after all christmas is just another day if you dont celebrate it and jesus well he was just another boy born on this day if you dont believe in him either.
I spent the day sleeping a lot but gave up on it after my phone wouldnt stop going off, and then i guess i just spent the day reading and talking to kaela and jesse a lot.
Tonight i am totally stoked and smiley now that christmas is over which means after the two days that follow i will be with a cute doctor lover girl pengiun hehehe, i cant wait.
I cant really think of words to express how that makes me feel, like i could scream? like i could run? NO! my doctor wouldnt approve.

ive got about a month and a half left before im suppose to move and i can only hope that things start feeling like theyve got meaning and a point in doing them.

one last thing, i dont like christmas and i dont like new years for the simple facts, my family is stupid and i have a hard time parting with my years. for some people new years fills them with hope and renews something in them, but for me it just kills something and implodes it inside of my stomach and makes me feel all to singular.
life seems to short when you restart every 365 days.

am i missing?

Completely alone in a place of millions.

Everything is Kismet

I will be the elephant in the room,
that sets the mood and holds your gloom.
your heavy chest.
The draft from outside
and the rash marking your face from your cries.
The hard floor beneath you
the empty satisfaction you sleep to.
the laugh echoing from others defeats you.
I will be everything kismet,
Your roots turning grey
your bed where you sleep alone and lay awake.
The guilt that you hide is a thorne in your side
its your pride full of tears youll never cry that gives every weapon with lack of merrit justified.
you are kismet
Our bodies apart
our hearts, share the same clean swip leaving both of them scared.
These two are stubborn
that one is a caniving hag.
all ignorant
for they know not what they will lose.
everything is kismet,
life goes on
family, i wouldnt know

tonight

Tonight i feel like if someone wanted to use my body to let out a bit of pent up aggression, i would let them, i would let them beat the shit out of me and id sit there and take it. thats what i feel like tonight.
as a metaphore to my life, if i tried to fight back and i wasnt strong enough in the end i will have tried and not given up but it was all pointless.

a lot of things seem pointless.
im tired.

a little different, a little more of the same

So i am laying in bed tonight and i cant sleep and everyones too busy to text me I guess but i feel like blogging cause my perspective has changed but the feeling in my gut is still the same.

love has no rules or boundaries
and makes no sense most of the time.

i dont know why going with out seeing my prince makes me cry like a bitch, but when i talk to her i feel like an asshole but i feel better
but i know i will be crying again in a few weeks because i will still be alone and the time will be longer yet since ive seen her.

the heart wants what it wants and as happy as i am to be seeing all of these people lyndz, lizz, jesse and even kaela
honestly there will be at least one minute i will look at each of them and wish they were emily. and i feel horrible about that.
it makes me sad that there not enough, i know ive got good friends that care so much but when it comes down to it
i need my prince and there is nothing and no one that can really make me feel better but her.

im a bolt loose of a complete machine.

This weekend has sucked ass and my cheeks are all red and sore cause i cant stop fucking crying. i dont know how i feel about anything, im feeling everything and ive got everything to say and at the same time nothing, nothing at all, im feeling the swich from sad to anger happening though im not sure how long it will last before i am crying like a bitch again, i need to function some how.
usually i can shake this feeling by now and feel better, but im trying to not talk to you so you cant do your magic little thing where you make my head spin and youre not bothering to talk to me either which has delt me this past weekend

These past 7 months have changed me over and again, and ive needed you there so fucking much.
and this, these tears mean nothing cause i love you, always will, which means as long as im in control of my own two legs ill never leave you.

ttys

question.

Why does your face get dry and itchy when you cry for?
I dont know what triggored my sob fest this time, but its always the same reasons.
its always you, and how happy and carefree you are going on with your little life leaving me in the dust to collect the dirt that will lead me home some place you are.

but dirt is everywhere
this is getting me nowhere.

if you wanted to be around you would be and your not.
i think just realizing its been seven months now since ive seen you, this month has been so busy for me and has gone by so fast, but the heart never misses a beat does it. it never forgets.
you havent wanted to see me really once for 7 months now.
best friends?
i think this is royally fucked up, you break me.
happy christmas.

i have a feeling i will be writing about you a lot.

I wish that i could be brutally honest with you, but i cant, at least not anymore, you make me sad most of the time. Ive needed you sooo much and you dont care you dont give a fuck, times are changing. im growing stronge and as distant as our bodies that dont touch

it was a rough week and now its over;

My eyes are warm,
my fingers hurt, my job is taxing.
my shoulders hurt,
im exhausted
and I need a break
I dont want to slow down though
I just need to be able to keep this pace and function
Jesse makes me smile so much,
kaela is going to make me sing :/ ha that shows how much i love her if moving thousands of miles away from home didnt convence here ha.
things seem to be going alright i think,
sometimes i get things played out in my head before they happen and its all wrong.
a lot of things are still the same though,
like sleeping on the cold floor,being black sheeped and taken advantage of
all in a days work.
i think this blog sucks
im just writing sentence as they come
theres no flow to it ha, lameeee
i wish i werent alone right now
i get to seeeeee kaela in 8 days now i can hardly believe it.
im spending christmas alone
i dont mind much it doesnt feel like christmas anyway
i cant believe i will hopefully be moving in 6 weeks the thought is rediculous.
umm ha i should end this
goodnight happy christmas

truth, i didnt even notcied.

Not until you spilled your guts.
Ive been to caught up in myself lately.
Im so angry all of the time
everyday i feel this boiling up and sImmering down inside myself.

yawwwwwwwn.

Im tired, i should be sleeping, i dont know whats good for me obviously. 60 of work this week, 3 days next then then then...4? or 5 days till LOVER! and maybe seeing jesse on christmas? and when i get back. wow@social life ha.

"lindsay wishes she could master the art of sleeping and telling you about everything youve missed: but yes, she is only human, so sleeeep will win tonight"

my head is spinning, my heart is heavy, my hands are busy. I feel all mixed up :/

yay@moobile blogging!

Mobile blog? Haha check check..

your a sunday afternoon with nothing to do

I'm not naive enough not to know that there isnt bad in the world, but nonetheless i know there is good in it as well. I'm not open minded enough to see the good or beauty in everyone but i still think everyone has something to offer, a role to play. I believe in second chances but I dont give them out. I dont believe anything that happens is not fair, sometimes I will say its not out of human habit but I believe more then anything what is meant to be will be, everything happens for a reason. I have felt the drastic changes over the years in myself but it still seems to me that people will never change. I want to relive my past with my futures differences.
I've got a one track mind that is aways a consistanly double standard but still somehow all of these things work for me.

Tell me what it feels like to be so sure of yourself?
Well honestly I'm not even a little for not even a second.

Lately I seriously walk around feeling everything, happy, thankful,warm, sad, and miserable.
Sometimes when the room is quiet I can feel my insides screaming out for something I'm not sure of because the fact of the matter is I've been trying to ignore it long enough to get through a few more weeks.
Life seems to be held together by a fragile little thread for me and I am all to aware at every sharp object that circles it.

swing swing

Swing swing swing, feels like Ive been doing a lot of that the past few months, something falls through I latch on to something else, I call this getting by. i dont like the unstability of it. I dont like having a place to sleep but still technically being homeless. i hate that if i miss another day of work i will be out a job even though my boss tells me im doing really good there. " the future is near but never certain" yes.
Kaela has been making me blush so much lately, I cant wait to see her.
I've been talking to jesse loads, the other day she invited me to hangout and I seriously feel giddy and nervous as a school girl about it. ahhhh its odd cause of everything that happened but at the same time its amazing how it doesnt matter not and we can talk like we used to, i just wonder if it will feel the same to me, i guess we will know when I see her if we have both changed too much and wanting the past just isnt good enough.

its the weeeeeekend; lets have fun.

always me, always you.

I have no self control when youre pulling my heart strings, dear puppet master lets kick this out one more time we're with friends.
youre the one that said my smile lights up this whole room, i never agree, a smile always looks best on you. and youre the one that said always me, and always you. I always hear you say how my smile makes you feel so good, my smile?? and that it lights this spark inside of you youd of burnt out without. I've never told you the way you showed me this life inside myself, the way i still feel just as inanimate when you leave, and non existent till i meet your gaze and see you smile, yeah you smiling at me. Its only then do i ever feel Im really in a room, that my hands and legs arent coming unglued, its only then.

when youre around i feel like a child again, not stuck between this warp of inanimate and human, but i know now that every word was only lip service, we're here for the show, and it will be the best damn show. no strings attached.
at least I'm a puppet at least im not real. id get my feelings hurt when you put me back up on the shelf, till another night, another twilight, at least puppets dont cry.

i'll never leave you though just like my legs will never walk without the slide of your hand, and I'll always wait till you come back. I wait here till you come back, youll come back you always come back to me.

this is the first day of my life, im glad i didnt die before i met you

Almost every day i wake up smiling cause I know I'm another day closer to another place warmer. I have been blushing a lot the last few days to the point that every inch of my body almost feels all warm and fuzzy. Right now my feet are freezing but Im to lazy to go put any socks on. and i seriously cannot stop eating, but I'm a smiley fool cause of the bananas I found in the kitchen.

I really donnot like snow and it has been coming down for more then the last 24hrs straight, i couldnt go to work today because of it, because the roads are ice, i hope this shit clears up before saturday so i can take my road test, and be an offical licensed driver.

my mom and little brother are yelling again and its making it really fuckin hard to think, i helped lyndz get a job at asmo and when she ignored me yesterday that seriously sort of rubbed me the wrong way, and then while i was on break before doing over time lastnight emily called, and it was pathetic how many things that i couldnt think to say in 5 minutes, i dunno whats wrong with me, my hearts just not in a lot of things right now but only one thing for sure, 17 days, i cant wait.

guess whos back?

Lindsays back, tell some men, haha

so ive decided that i can start posting blogs again erry day or at least a hell of a lot more often because i do have nets on my phone, with that being said they will be short.

i am exausted right now its been a long day of waiting,freezing,starving,working and the such. hopefully tomorrow more of the hrs in the day i will spend sleeeping!

i found out today that i will be spending christmas aloneeee this year which is sort of something i foresaw months back. but all in the same im not sad about it infact for the last hr of work today i kept myself awake by repeating all of the christmas like songs flowing through my head so i dobt really know how i feel i think im sort of upbeat about it only cause i get to see kaela soon, thats pretty much all i want for christmas and im getting it, ive got a lover ticket!.

jingle bells, batman smells, robin layed an egg, somthing something joker got away hahah its seriously been years since that song has crossed my thoughts.

goodnight streetlight, goodnight moon

Forget everything you think you know about me, this isnt high school this isnt high school

Again do the lyriics of Brand New float to the top of my subconscience.

lately ive been observing this occuration with the people that i am surrounded by everyday
its become really clear to me that the person you were in high school and the things you did dont mean shit for who you will be and how much ass you are capable of getting in the "real" life afterit.
All the click barriers that we put infront of ourselfs then arent tall enough to still hold there own weight.

we are all just people. i am just a person.
i can do anything, go anywhere, be anyone as long as it makes me happy and i will always be accepted for it by someone, even if its not "family" the ones that are suppose to love you unconditionally.

i am so ready for NM, im so ready to stop having this ucky fog hanging over my head,
if anyone doesnt want to be a part of my life its honestly there loss, im not going to lose sleep over things i cant control.

i still feel so lucky

maybe its not my weekend but its gonna be my year!

Thxgiving this year

I havent been on a real computer in a while which is why i havent posted anything new for a while. for the most part ive been pretty up beat lately id say. ive gotten half the piercings i want, i got a phoney,and other then that ive just been working a lot of 10 hour days keeping myself busy and time seems to be flying by once its in my review mirror of my invisible car of course! i get to see kaela in a month and i am so very stoked, not for a second does my mind wander far from that. The things that i am thankful for this year are seem to be such a stretch from what i would of put on a list last year had i made one, but i do have a few things that i am thankful for this year....1) kaela. she has become such a big part of my life, my every day, my dreams and even my future.2) my job, that has given me money for other thigs i am thankful for like like my phoney, facial holes and money to actually go to nm soon! 3) is my mom because even though i dont like it her id be sleeping on the street somewhere probably. and lastly 4) i am thankful for all the bullshit ive gottwn this year, its really made everything. i feel different all over again, in someways almost new. ive been pretty optimistic with the odds ive got.

Every action is made from two things, Fear or Love.

There are billions people who walk this earth living similarly parallel lives to mine every single day and we all live secret quite lives of desperation. I can tell you that there’s more telling in the reason behind a lie than you will find in the truth. So why do we do it? Why can’t we be honest? Because we’re afraid to have our cake and eat it too; because in reality getting what we really want would mean that our everyday normal day would inevitably change. Everyone would see that we are not the perfect person that we portray to be every single fucking day or even the person they thought we were at all. Life is give and take, and to every action there is an equal counter weight. Someone dies, there’s always someone born again and so on and so forth these are things we all know in the back of our mind somewhere it is imprinted next to the golden rule, and I don’t believe that, in being perfect, I believe the people perceived as perfect in another’s eyes are the truly desperate people. They are someone who would give anything not to walk the perfect straight line in their own shoes; I know what it’s like to walk in those shoes. I can watch in my mind’s eye how everything fell a part and unfolded in to my life now, how in my perfect shoes I started to trip and stumble until they wore there self’s off of me, How I started doing anything to feel again, to feel alive feel anything but that perfect desperate numbness. I never knew who I wasn’t until I felt the cement cutting up my bare feet.
My whole life, each chapter of it so far has been about someone else. I was born a people pleaser; and I can say anything with a pen but I lack the ability to let my voice be heard. I want to make everybody happy like they have never been before, as long as they will let me because that is what it is with me, the lack of self value. The way I prefer that people leave me, because I would never have the strength to move on with my life over wise, somehow I can justify to myself that, if someone else walks out of my life its okay because I will live, but if I leave I wouldn’t know how the story ended.
I am 19 years old and I don’t know the person I was even two years ago. I have changed a lot over the years, most people have just seen it through my physical appearances, but my insides have done 180s as well. I used to be perfect, the apple of someone’s eye, but eventually I got rotten, but that shit happens with fruit. When I think about that girl I used to be, I don’t feel like I was ever really honestly “me.” Everything I did was because someone else wanted me to do it, because it would make someone more important to me then myself happy, because there happiness was in the end more important to me then my own that I could justify all of the things I gave up to do it. There used to be a time when nothing could make me feel like I was happy like making someone else happy, and I can still feel the way that swells today, but it’s a temporary fix to a lifelong problem and in the end it only makes me miserable and more alone when no one comes around. I’ve probably never been more honest with who I really am and what I really want in my whole life then I am at this moment. I’ve lost a lot of things along the way admitting what I really want, but in the end I think once I can be honest with myself I can be solitarily happy on my own, I don’t live a life of desperation. I don’t settle for anything if it’s not really what I want. My life is the way it is now because of that, this is my normal every day, and I am still a person walking a parallel life to yours, and one day I will lose myself again I’m sure but I’m holding on tight to right now.

it rhymes but makes no sense

Lately im at odds, i feel so unbalenced/ situations riding on a teeder todder/its like im being showed up by midgets with there tall talents/and ive got tall tales/I've swam in the ocean so I've swam with whales, and sharks, rotting ship junk and boddies of bones/ Theres always someone better and theres always some one worse/ but i dont seem to be noticed and its the only bit that hurts/ Its doing your job and taking home your work/ its dreaming of this shit, its a hypocrite in church/its holding on to something that had no problem leaving you behind just so youll be waiting when they come back into your life/They say time is telling and all will be revealed/but theres no answer to the question or words for how i feel/Im a stranger in my own skin/ the things i want cease to co exist/ i dont want my past to be my present but id like partsof what it was to be apart of it/I'm buying my time but the time I'm keeping track of is paying me/ Im getting out of this town/ i want to be better keep happiness more efficiently/i must be doing something wrong its obvious the problems me/ i dont know how to change this robots default setting/

Theres something in the air and I'm finding it hard to breathe.

I’ve been listening to “Taking Back Sunday” a lot lately, Songs I never got before seem to make perfect sense now. Every time I listen to them I think of the feud they had with Jesse Lacy, and why he left, and sometimes I wonder what their music would sound like now with him still in there band, but then again, fate, right? I mean if that never happened then my favorite band wouldn’t exist. It is just another one of those things that had to happen, think of all the amazing songs that came out of it, like the song, There’s no I in team, when I could sympathize with the Seventy Times 7 song, that song had a totally different meaning to me, but now that a lot has changed in my life the song “There’s no I in team” has a whole new meaning to me, especially the part where he says “best friends means you get what you deserve.” Before I always took it as a Karma like thing, but now, “best friends means you get what you deserve.” Makes me think; Jesse deserved more, not Jesse deserves to have his world fucked up, but it had to happen for the real stuff to happen. I don’t know why thinking about those two bands always makes me think of My Jesse as well and what happened, but since recently we are cool again and maybe that is why I have a different perspective, I don’t know, I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.
Everything is at odd stages, like everything is hovering before it falls; it’s too quite to be comfortable, I’m too unsure to be sure about anything. I’ve been at my mom’s now nearly two months and in a lot of ways I feel like I’m starting over all over again, because I lost something very important to me, that even if one day gets fixed will never be the same, and nothing can take back all the damage that has been done. I feel like a stranger in my own skin, I look in the face and I see the same ole familiar face, though its changed through the years, it has always stayed the same to me, but I don’t recognize these thoughts that keep wandering through my head. I feel like who I am has been altered all over again and I just want to go back to the girl I was 8 months ago cause I don’t know who she is anymore just like that girl didn’t know who she was a year before that. This keeps happening to me and it makes me wonder if anyone else feels the way I do, or thinks about any of the crazy shit that I spend my days wondering about. Things I carry around weighing down my insides until somehow words come and release these odd fucking things. I feel like I am about to explode if I don’t get to sit down and write something soon, but I have been too busy to even pick up a pen lately, even keeping up on letters is getting tough. I really like my new job but having both of these jobs is wearing on me, every day I wake up shower, clean, finish getting ready, make dinner before work, and then work until 11 and by the time I get home I am spent and pass out, and I wake up the next day and do it all over again, I hate that part, but I am still very satisfied and wouldn’t have it any other way. I think of my life a lot like what I was talking about up top with Jesse Lacy’, I feel like I’ve been alive for 19 years now and I have yet to really live for more than a few moments.
I know this is a weird sort of update blog, all I can really say is that I got a second job a few weeks ago and I have a lot of time to think at work which is where all of this is coming from. I’m feeling isolated again, just not from public this time, but from where I would rather be. I’ve been in a odd fucking mood lately that makes me want to throw the rest of what I have so it can catch up to everything else on its way down, and things are actually as good as they could be at this point in my life, I guess I am just really fucking ungrateful, but I’m not, I’m just not happy… yet.
I guess this sort of nostalgia is supposed to happen at the end of the year; I’m just really missing everything about my life 8 months ago. I had all of this time in front of me, and thinking about the way all of this time I was so excited about has turned out makes me sick. I miss seeing my prince all of the time more than anything, but I miss the other little things to that I used to have. I don’t have anything I had 8 months ago really and it makes me sad. Isn’t that the way life is though, constantly missing the way things were and eventually the present becomes the past and you don’t even realize what you had until you’re missing it too. Humans are so fucked up, indecisive, and ungrateful. I will show you what I mean.
1] I still very much have my prince, I mean she might not have the time of day for me much anymore, but I never lost her and she still very much means the world to me, and she tries more than most people still.
2] I knew kaela 8 months ago barely, but I’m trying to keep one of the best things about my life right now out of this.
3] Something my mom said the other day to my grams has sort of been bugging me, because I can sit here and say honestly that people do care about me, but like my mom said; everyone I talk to anymore is pretty much out of state, and that’s not right.
4] I have everything that I wanted to have after getting kicked out now and I’m still not happy with it, I just want to be 4 or so months from now, and half the time with all of this shit being put in my head, I don’t know exactly where I will be in 4 months. I know where I want to be, and it wouldn’t matter where on this earth I ended up as long as I was with them, but still I can’t help but wonder now, well what if I stay a little longer? But I can’t do that because I can’t go back on my word and if I was honest with myself I would just admit that I’m still fucking scared out of my mind, but I still want to. Every 1 more day I spend in MI is another day I would have been in MI.
See I’m indecisive, because I want two different things that can’t co-exist, staying longer, and leaving on time. I’m ungrateful because I am lucky as shit to have another job now, but it still doesn’t make me happy and I’m probably ungrateful for my prince as well because I bitch so much about not seeing her but she has never turned her back on my like a lot of other people, and I know no matter how caught up she gets in a boy she will never completely forget about or turn her back on me, and all of this makes me fucked up. I’m such a fucking asshole, and this was a very lame blog for an update, but the truth is I really don’t have an update, I just feel a lot about too many things and it gives me this lump in my throat that I can’t get down.

These days.

Medicated pills are costly bills,
Ghastly dreams of wires and drills,
Dull surroundings though kaleidoscope eyes,
Prevail this sickness; and well no one dies.
Clammy skin, Ice cold, kid you’re burning up.
Tell me something I don’t know doctor?
I don’t even have a doctor, my insurance has expired,
Now I’m just having hallucinations of mere desires,
I don’t have any pills to make this stop,
No magic to turn this snot factory off.
The ground is hard and blankets keep me cold,
I have these stuffed animals but there’s no place like home.
Patiently waiting this out, impatiently I toss and turn,
I guess there’s no way to cuddle rock like ice can burn,
My eyes are red, my throat itches deep,
If I run when I stand up that dizzy spell won’t have a chance to catch me,
Cause I’m feeling that word vomit coming,
No, real vomit, shards and shards of my tummy,
Bent over this porcelain and its Just one of those moments you wondered what I was up to these days.

Its been a while?

Yes,I think so.
I've been at my moms for nearly a month now in a day or two and things are, well I dont want to phrase it as getting to normal because nothing about anything about being there is normal at all, but I do what I can to get by and pass the time and I'm pretty sure I'm closing in on a second job soon.
I spend a lot of my time cleaning an apartment that gets dirty just as fast as I clean it, living with two people that, I wont say cant, but WILL NOT pick up after there selfs sucks, but cleaning is a part of my job, I'm just getting the shorter end of the stick on this one.
I spend the rest of my time getting by, Watching movies that have been out for years that I just have not seen, reading books other people recomind because I have a problem of picking out any on my own to read, and writing a lot, unfortunenly I havent written anything worth putting on here and most of the time they are just letters to the few people who even give two fucks about me anymore.
I dont know where my prince is these days and I'm honestly really sad that she seems to forget about me so easily but at the same time, It pisses me off, crazy thing love.

I have learned long ago you cant make anyone do what you want them to do, so it just leaves me here stuck and sad because I dont know what to do about this girl who means so much to me who is just to caught up in her own things to be around when I never have needed her more.

Lately certain things have been sticking out to be like the quote "If you love something give it away, and I'm not sure how it makes me feel at the moment, or what exactly it means to me right now, and also this stupid bird thesis of sorts that has sort of fallen together on its own.

I told kaela that I would never want to be a caged bird because they do the same nothing thing every fucking day for there whole lifes, but then I realized that even if I was a "free" bird I would still be in a cage, just a bigger one, and now I have just finished reading "the time traveler's wife" which was a great book but I cant stop thinking about what they were saying about everyone having free will, and a life of free will is in the end Chaios.
So yeah, There is something of merit there but I think something is missing that hasnt really fallen in to place for me yet.

Well I have to leave, I will try to write again soon, I had no idea I had so much to say.

You make it hard to smile because you make it hard to breathe, why do you do this to me?

Today is offically my last day of having internets. All I can do now is work and save and get by until I can move out to NM. The other day was lover six months. It has gone by to fast I think, but at the same time it seems like I have known her so much longer.

She is so beautiful and I am so lucky to have her in my life.

I know I said I would probably post a few blogs the other day and I didnt because I decided to do other things like dating sarah and then finally getting to talk to anna a bit and then the rest of the night dating with kaela kins.
these are some of the photos I took.




I have a lot on my mind that I am not really ready to share yet. Maybe once I am at my moms and I camn think clearer I will type something worth something.
I am not going to miss living here, I'm only going to miss talking to kaela, emily, anna, sarah, and kody, plus the occasional other people. Hopefully I will get lucky enough to get another job soon, that would make me feel so great, you have no idea.

New Year, New Me.

Today I am 19. only 364 more days left of being a teenager, and I have a lot to do. I'm almost done packing everything and right now it's just sort of working everything out so I am out of here with no time to spare, and trying to fit in dates with my girl things before I leave, and not just sitting around waiting for them to get online at the same time.
Yesterday I was out again on another job hunt. Hopefully I will get lucky soon because I really need another job. I was really smily even though I was going on no sleep bustin my bum. It was worth it, it will all be worth it, I know it.
Things just feel good.
I feel like I actually have a prince right now even though I am not sure at all if I will ever see her cute face soon, but I will take what I can get.
and Kaela always gives me a reason to smile, I wish I could be lurking somewhere and watch her open her care package when she gets it.
Today I will probably post a few blog, I am taking dress photos for kaela. and then we are dating and also I have been working on some sort of a 19 writing thing or something. So many things.
I'm not doing anything today at all to celebrate my birthday but today is also LOVER SIX MONTHS!!
so amazing and I am going to celebrate that wiht a cam date lover style :)
hopefully it will all work out.

I dont know what happend in the last 24 hours.

I feel this weight on my shoulders shifting,
I feel this dirt getting more meager under me,
I feel the stretched muscle in my legs and arms,
I feel like nothing can stop me from getting up right now.

<3

"What do I look like? The wizard of OZ? You need a brain? You need a heart? Go ahead. Take mine. Take everything I have."

What do you say to that?

I feel torn and unsure determined yet sympathetic. My mind is nowhere to be found tonight, if that is even possible. So much thinking...and not thinking happening all at the same time.
A week from today I will pretty much be homeless, claiming this one yet a guest in another, that sort of sums up my state of mind and being perfectly. I feel almost as if I'm having a outer body experience these days. I am here physically but emotionally and mentally I am lost in other places. I'm distant, more then I have ever been. My smile is forced and something I have to remind myself to do when being spoken to. I feel fake, all I really want to do is be alone, all I really need is time to make sence of this.
I’m letting myself break, I'm letting things fall, I'm waiting to feel this backlash.
Life seems pointless.
The things you try and try to hold on to always fall between your fingers and the things you try and try to rid always stay. Why is life hard? Why do we have to hurt to get stronger? Is it really “stronger” we are getting? or just numb, like a robot.
I feel so distant. My head is a mixture of a million thoughts and feelings like a jigsaw puzzle I can’t figure out.
I don’t know.

Times Are Changing.

my head is spinning.

I'm running out of time with each breath I take I cant delay the inevitable. I know nothing is going to work out the way I want it to, but I know if I dont stop trying that it will eventually work some how.

I dont like being this unsure of so many things.
My head is lost in a million different thoughts tonight.

Ever since you've left theres been an open hole in my chest.

This is hard.
And time has only shown it’s never going to get any easier.
I don’t like this distance.
I can’t read your body for signs your fingers can’t engrave.
Seems like we’re stuck, in this rut I don’t know how we got here in the first place.
So we just keep going, time pushing our past further away.
We keep going right? Yeah, separate ways.
It doesn’t seem fair
Our futures always in our way
What we had was good right?
It can’t be replaced.
I’m just missing those old times,
The way the moon lit up your face.
You’ll always be mine right?
You’re empty words don’t seem to fill up this empty space.

Why is everything so different now?

Things arent really looking up, but things arent really getting worse either. Everything about right now has me feeling rather insignificant and uninspired. I need something to work.
I'll be 19 soon, really soon. I've been thinking about where I was last year at this time. and even though I really have nothing to show for myself of this past year since everything I had grasped has somehow slipped threw my fingers, I still feel like so much has happened and I've grown up leaps and bounds that thinking about how imature and just ignorant to LIFE that I used to be makes me feel all wierd.
I know when I am sitting where ever I am sitting a year from now thinking about this year to come, how it was. Most of the things I will find will be physical.
Like moving, and doing things on my own.
I dont know if I will be happy, or if I am even doing the right thing, but I got to believe that there is a reason all of these things have happened. I know that if I stay here nothing will ever change. I know that as the time get closer hopefully I will find myself more confident in my choice, but that is never going to make it any easier.

I miss the way things used to be..some things.
and I crave the way things will be..some things.
I know I cant have both.

What is life..I'm tired of life.

So I havent written in here in a few days, and I'm sitting here, and I am amazingly on new levels of boredom. I know that I should be writing in here every second that I can because soon enough I wont be able to anymore, but it seems like I would just keep saying the same things over and again and besides wasting a little bit more of my life, would render useless.
This weeeeeekend has dragged on, as well as the last part of this past week. Tomorrow all I can really do is call places and ask them to hire me :P and that is what I will do. It will take probably a whole 10 minutes and the the rest of the day..Who knows. I feel like I'm just buying my time right now, and I feel stuck, and then once the 3rd gets here my last week and a half is going to fly by and I know it.
I hateeeeeeeeeeee sitting here so much right now, talking to no one. Emily is even online and we havent talked in days but I guess that ceases to matter, and kaela is busy, so busy lately, but its good at least when I'm not around to bug her anymore she wont have all this free time.

I wish I could come up with a single word right now to discribe my state of being not so much my mood or placement.

I couldnt sleep last night, I can never sleep anymore unless I am dog tired and when I'm not doing anything all day it takes a while for me to get seriously dog tired. Last night I was up and to my surperise Lyndz started talking to me, and even though now everything is cleared up, just some of the things she said are still sort of sticking to me and I'm not sure if she is even a little bit right.
I mean before, I didnt even consider that I was running away from my problems.
but am I? I dont really see what I have to run away from.
but one part she was dead right on is that I do rely on Kaela and Emily to make me happy, they are pretty much the only two good things in my life, and if it wasnt them right now it would honestly just be someone else. I need people to make me happy and relying on anyone that much will always make miserable, and I cant change that.
I just...I dunno...that conversation has stuck with me like walking around surrounded by this fog.
I want to find my own happiness, and I dont think that I will find it staying here, waiting on everyone who "loves" me to find the time in there lifes to see me. That doesnt make me happy.

I just I dont know.

The Futures near but never certain.

Today has been pulling at my heart strings and poking at my tear ducts. Life is so bitter. I want to run away from everyone and everything I know right now, then maybe I could be at rest with feeling this alone.

Some sort of Game plan?

Today is saturday and I have done absolutly nothing today, there is nothing to do really but kill time until monday.
Yesterday I went job hunting and monday hopefully I will be able to get out and do some more and hopefully kaela will have internets by then because I am dying not being able to talk to her right now.
I really need another job. The guy at RiteAid seemed to like me, so hopefully I can get a job there, that is pretty much what my heart is set on right now since it will be close to my moms and I can walk there and all.

These next few months are going to be rough.

One day...

Sarah just made my whole life I think. I feel so special right now.
These past few days have been rough. I've been doing a lot of crying and thinking..and crying, but right now..I'm good.

I'm not the type of girl to sit around and mope. I need to figure out What I'm going to do..where I'm going to go as fast as I can so I can start working toward it, and I figured it out I think.

Its going to be hard, but seeing kaela's face everyday will be the best feeling I think.

I wont have internet for a while after my birthday, so I probably wont be writing in this much at all. I will try to though when I can.


***deeeep breath***

****EXHALEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE***

happy brithday.

get the fuck out of my house.



what did I ever do that was so wrong?
why is everything always shit for me?

God; I needed to see that boy.

It is funny how you can get one thing accomplished and suddenly it feels like the weight of the world is off your shoulders. As of today I am going to college in the fall. Today I went down and signed up for my classes, and even without any photography ones I still am very pleased with what I have, besides this way hopefully I can save up money and be even better prepared for next semester instead of always stressing about how I'm going to get whatever.
I have this fafsa thing here I'm going to fill out that will give me more college monies in about a month or so, and my lab fees will be a lot less with only my drawing class. So that is good. hopefully i can start saving some monies. for seeing kaela during christmas and spring break....................and i still really want my chest piece that has been getting back burnered for the past year.

So I will have college and hanging out with kody a couple times a week.
ohhh yeah I saw kody today. he probably made my day. silly boy thing.
and then hopefully I can arrange things with aixa and tasa and see them as well so I will see some people.
I'm not really up for making new friends..not that I'm going to avoide it.

Today has been a good day.
when I woke up I just wanted to roll over and do this another day but I'm glad I got out of bed. Today was nice.

and Kaela got back in newwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwmexico today so webdates will become a thing of the very often and I'm pretty stoked about that.

Dont tell her why..

Today has been one of those really long boring pointless got nothing acomplished talk to no one kind of days.
Earlier I told myself that I wasnt going to write in here today but I feel like I need to. Since I have had 3 very important conversations since I wrote last night.

First was kaela. She always has a cute way of making me feel better, and then later last night probably the most benificial one was sarah. I didnt want to date her bacause I was in a horrible mood but I'm really glad that I did. I had to catch her up on CA, and Kaela's visit and then on everything else and why I was feeling the way I was, and some how that lead in to talking about college. Which was good, and i need to get down there tomorrow would be ideal. but I think I'm going to see about it tuesday morning. Tomorrow I'm going to call the facts people and see if I can get that taken care of before I sign up for classes they will drop me from for not doing facts within the first 24 hours.

and then tonight I talk to emily, which in a way has been the person I've wanted to talk to all along and at the same time I sort of didnt feel ready to talk to her, but after talking to her I always feel better and I do sort of.

Every since kaela has left, I've just been in this really weird mood. I realized a lot while she was here, well after she left.

I'm not happy right now, and I dunno how to change this situation I'm in.

I dont see anyone.
I dont talk to anyone.
The two people I talk to the most live a few hundred thousand miles away.
It's bullshit I havent seen anyone in the last 4 months.

and with emily there is this fine line..I know i shouldnt depend on seeing her so much, its not fair to be mad at only her for not seeing me. which I'm not only mad at her. I'm mostly mad at the situation, but I know that even if I got to see her alone that would be enough.
We had a really good talk tonight. That is one thing I've always loved about our relationship is that we can always tell each other how we feel and be totally honest and not have to worry about hurting the other persons feelings.

I love emily more then most things. I really do.

this was sort of vauge but i...i dunno.
I'm feeling a lot right now.
that I'm sitting with.

I'm sad..and I'm angry.

I had such an amazing time while kaela was here, and ever since she has gone home I have had this lump in my throat and knot in my stomach because seeing her hasmade me realize one thing more then anything else and that is how fucking pathetic my life has been. I havent seen not a one person out side of family in nearly 4 months. Kaela usually is nearly 300,000 miles away and still found a way to see me. I'm just really upset right now. I cannot stop crying and I feel like I have no friends at all, and the people that do call me there friend have a lot of balls. I'm angry that no one ever wants to see me and I have to spend everyday alone, by myself. It's not fun and its so hard and the only thing that ever really gets me through is knowing that I will see kaela or emily again but the truth is I havent seen emily in nearly 4 fucking months and I dunno when I will ever see her again. I feel like she doesnt have time for me anymore or when she does shed obviouslly be spending it with two other people. I am looking forward to seeing kaela around christmas but I'm not looking forward to the part that I'm afraid of...that I will spend each day alone and see no one until I see her again. I dont know weather to scream or to cry. I need change in my life. I need to see really people. I cant have my only real contacts be 2 girls that live hundreds of thousands of miles away and see no one in real life.

NO!

Today is the farthest day I have from seeing you next.

Right now I am sitting here and I'm sort of sad that kaela had to go home but at the same time I keep smiling rediculously because I got to see her and hold her and touch her cute face. I think that in a perfect would where we could be together all of the time, I would be the happiest kid in the world. I think their is something so special about this lovership we have formed that seeing her all of the time is the only nessisary thing, but on to the point of this blog, to tell you about my last few days.
I'm pretty sure my week, rocky though it started out will be better then the weekend all together even if I had plans. I've had the best time.

I woke up early wednesday morning to get ready to pick kaela up at noon! and as the time got closer the more my stomach started getting all knoted up, but then she was there and cute and I want to meet her in the skin all of the time.
Then we went out for nomnoms with my grams before she dropped us off at my moms so I could do the work like thing. Then it was to the park with kaela and jacob. Then we came home and took photos lots of them. then she made me dinner it was good even though our gravy was a fail aahah it was more like milk. then we made a fire outside and a tent in my room.
Waking up next to kaela is probably one of my favorite things.
I found myself looking at her over and over again thinking "your really here"
Then thursday was odd a bit. We had 3 dinners. went on a really long walk to see horses that werent even out, which led to awkward boyfriend calls. a picknic sort of and random lover cuddles. 5 month photos "my best friends girl" to a few hours of sleep and then to the bus station where i had to let her go home :(

I cannot wait till the day we meet again.

IN THE SKIN

the best day of my life possibly.
kaela is wonderful.

Nothing ever goes as planned.

Nothing at all.
So today I woke up and called my mom right away
because she said shed take me to the bus place to day and
to clean. So i call her...ring ring ring...blah blah blah...ill call you later//hangup.
I was pissed.
I was talking to emily and kaela at the same time about how pissed I was.
Because after all.
THIS WAS THE LAST DAY...the last CHANCE I had to see kaela.
it was now or not for a long time.
and i was pissed.
but all in the end worked out.
I went down stairs and told my grams what a cunt my mom was being.
and I knew already she had a funeral dinner thingy and was leaving at 2.
by this time it was around 1? or so i think.
So my grams said she would take me but then looked at the time and she really didnt have time to take me then come bring me home.
So I ran upstairs. Threw on church like clothes. without a shower I left with my grams.
That shows you how much I love this girl and how much I HAVE to see her.
So we go to the train place to get her ticket.
Then I go help her at her lunch thingy. and now I am home.
and tired.
but realieved that everything worked out in the end.
Tomorrow at noon. I will be picking up kaela.
and my prince might stop by as well.
I sure hope she can. Today was her first day of work and all. :D

Everythings gonna be alright.

Everythings gonna be alright..

So today has cleared a lot up for me and uncovered new problems.

So I woke up today and called the grey hound people to buy kaelas ticket online.
FAIL. but I found out why it wouldnt work for us last night;; because that ticket couldnt be put on will call. So the lady told me to go down to the local station and buy it that way...which I was already to do, but then I could not find my ID for the fucking life of me and then my mom called and said it was to hot and she wouldnt take me...just for a second even, and that she was coming out, so I had to look at her face all day.
ughhhh but she said that tomorrow she wanted me to work and if she wants me to work the she WILL take me to that fucking bus station. I will die if I dont get to see kaela even if its just for a day...like it will be now.

College. I WILL BE GOING TO COLLEGE. I found that out today. So I've been online all day trying to sign up for classes. First problem...they dont offer Phil at any time that I can take it. 2 problem...every class I want to take in its place...is during the two classes I WILL NOT CHANGE. SO then i got this brilliant idea that I could take Engl over because I need a higher grade in it anyway for it to transfer plus I already have the books for it.

Which brings me to my thrid problem....grams just informed me that I have to pay for everything by myself..and I'm not going to have enough money so I'm not really sure what I'm going to do about that. I need another job.

and then my 4th problem. FACTS! I hate signing up for facts. I always have issues with it.

So hopefully by tomorrow morning that will be all worked out. and I can sign up for classes after I get home from work after I get kaelas ticket so she can come!
and then I just need to figure out how to get more money.


gahhhhh
wish me luck.

today has been stressful for a girl that doesnt really stress about anything.
Right now I wish today was over, and its only dinner time.
I just finished doing dishes because I was that bored and now I'm listening to my mom and jacob yell at each other and the t.v. will continue to blare down stairs until they go home.
Today is def a day where you just have to go through the motions.
I'm looking forward to seeing kaela for at least 1 whole day! and emily for a bit.
I've missed my prince so very much.

UGHHHH!

i took this earlier. when everything with the world was fine. I was also on the phone with a lover girl.


Tonight is not my night in the least. I just found out that I might not be able to go to college in the fall and now I might not be able to see kaela because of stupid grey hound! Ughh I hate them. I didnt, but i do now. I NEEEEEED to see her before she goes back to NM.
Gahhh talk about getting kicked in the back of the knee. Everything was so great and now everything is so messed up.
I dont know what I'm going to do.
If I cant go to college then I will be getting another job asap. like I already planned but now I will work more, then hopefully I will go in the spring?
I dunno what I'm going to do right now.
I am real upset. mostly because I might not get to see kaela.
College as much as I want to go. I dont have money for books, so that would be something I dont have to worry about, but I really need to go because I need to see my prince only all of the time.


ughhhhh
FML
Usually I dont stress but tonight I am very stressed.


grrr grey hound :/

Baby it's fact.

well our love is true
the way black is black
and blue is as blue.
My love is true.
its a matter of fact.

Well I'm sort of bored at the moment, just sitting here so I figured it was ample opportunity to write here in my little blog thing.
Lately I've been really wanting to write something but it seems I cant get out the words and they are rather just clogging up my veins. I'm not sure how I feel right now, in time I will.
Lately my life has consisted of work and silly lover texts before bed. I have been smiling so much lately, so much more than I deserve to. Kaela will be here in a couple of days, before I didnt feel nervous at all, but now I can feel my heart beat getting stronger as that moment gets closer and I know that soon enough I will be able to hear my heart beating in my ears. It will be quite the rush. I cant wait to meet her in the skin.

It seems like these past few weeks I've been getting by on less and less, and usually this would bother me, but right now I am content, and I feel like I have more then I have had all along. I can honestly sit here right now and say that I am happy, sure I am worried about a lot of things and how they are going to work out, but I am a happy girl. I know that what is meant to be will ALWAYS be.

Ready. Aim. Fire.

let the pieces land where they may.


Sooooooooooooooooooo. I am back from californicating. I've been back 2 whole days now, but Ive honestly just been to lazy/busy doing other things. Because yes I am back in MI but there is so much that I still needed to be taken care of and for now everything is good. Lover is coming on the 11 because she has to take a bus to me with a rediculously long rout. if only they know the quickest way to get here was straight to my heart.
Hmm so before I tell you about my trip. I want to write about something else that I am really excited about. Emily got a job today! well actually yesterday being 8.6.09
which hopefully means everything like. her staying home. going to college. and seeing me on regular basis. I couldnt be happier about that. I've missed my prince so fucking much this summer I dont know how I have survived 4 months with out her cute smile.

Right now everything is pench me if i say it "perfect" ish. everything is really great. like i said kaela is coming! that in it self is epic that i get to see her, since we have spent most of the summer doubting it would happen, or at least I have been, and now it is here and happening she is going to be here sitting next to me in count them 4 days!
and hopefully I will be seeing my prince around that same day, and then like I said college starts back up on the 3rd so I seriously need to get my butt in gear and sign up for classes.

Right now everything is good. Everything after right now is sort of in the air and I'm just hoping I can juggle everything so it works out as smoothly as it can.
I have so many things coming up that I'm going to need money for, and it feels almost impossible to even think about asking for money from grams and to pay for it all myself and SAVE? any kind of little money that I am making I am going to need a second job so that is something else that I need to work on. My birthday is almost a month away and each day as it is getting closer it is looking less likely that I will get my chest piece. So if you are reading this and want to get me something for my birthday give me money for my chest piece and I will love you forever!

Life is getting so busy. This year is going to be great I know it I have so much to look forward to. So many things to start planning for as well. I have no idea where I will be this time next year, but I sort of know what direction I want to head.

Okay so now it is time for California talk.




so flying was amazing. I was a little nervous at first because I have never flown before but once I was there expieriencing it. It is honestly one of the most amazing things I have ever done, and I want to do it over and over and over.


The first full day I was there I went swimming in the ocean. With Dave. Lisa. Ty. Arreal. and Kendal. Ughhh salt water tastes so gross and you cannot help but get it in your mouth. eww, but none the less I had a blast except for the part where we were there for 5 hours and I got 2nd degree burns everywhere a Bikini doesnt cover. So that pretty much ruined the rest of the week for me but I still had a nice trip the family I met was the most amazing family I have and probably will ever meet. They were all so sweet.
and then the wedding.












The wedding was so amazing. It touched me in a way that I cannot discribe, but rather has given me this feeling to sit with.
and that is what I will end this blog with these pretty pictures.

The post that wasnt.

So I wasnt going to write anything today because nothing happened its been a really horribly boring day, and tomorrow I am heading out on my way to cali for a week and I'm excited to go. I'm excited to get back, but right now I am sitting here and staring at my phone NOT texting my lover even though right now I REALLY want to, but I really need to stop texting so much or I'ma get in a lotta trouble. So I will have to wait till tomorrow evening to call her.

Right now im in a some what somberish mood.
Right now I feel like I have really come to a cross road in my life.
Or if I'm not there I see the intersection coming a head.
I'm just really tired of holding on to things that are gone. Things change people really dont. I'm tired of friends that are never around expecting me to still claim my loyaltys to them. When I really just need to cut ties with all of the baggage I have.
I'm looking forward to starting over with new unfamiliar things, but still the old familar faces and things that I love.
This is going to be good for me.

Here's to the nights we felt alive.

that song has been in my head so much lately. I'm not really sure why.
Well kiddys two days and I will be in California and well right now it is 5am in the morning and I am still up,not really sure why and all.
I would say that right now I am...excited for everything that is to come and I am just hoping every second that everything works out the way I want it too.

She said "you're so perfect when you blush"

and right now no one is blusing redder or hotter than I.

;aodsb;kvjber;gkjbae;rojbg;oinb;
I am speechless tonight.

Well it is what it is.

So I have not really written in here in a few days, and I wont at all next week while I am in California, I am affraid that the time that I spoke of at the beginning of summer is here and I wont really be writing in this every day but I will try to as much as possible. The past few days have been very dull, and I am well over my texting limit this month D: but today was a good day. I finally asked if the lover could come stay after I get back from CA and she can so I will be seeing her, and my prince plans on coming over for a few days around the same time as wel, and I cannot wait. The truth is that I should be stoked right now, so very stoked for next week but I'm really oddly content with it. What I am stoked for and excited and nervous for is Kaela comming over. It will be epic history in the making.

She sure is a bossy thing though, I found that out today, but she certainly is a keepppppper.

Well right now I am on my public myspace. I havent gave it a lot of attention at all this summer so everyone is like WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ahah, but my point is that I just read this girls about me and she says that she has been in love and learned from it...learned that it does not exsist..

That makes me really sad.
If there is anything to believe in is love. True love, after all it is THE best thing you can have here on earth.

RIP everyone.

Here’s to the nights we felt alive,
Here’s to the tears we knew we’d cry,
Here’s to goodbye, tomorrows gonna come to soon.

There is nothing to make you feel alive like a funeral. There is nothing that makes you not want to waste a second of your life waiting, or doing mundane things like death. Death is going to happen to all of us and when it happens to someone close to us, someone that we cared a lot about, it really hits home at how valuable life really is, but I don’t think anyone is really ever taken too soon. I believe no matter how anyone goes they have fulfilled their fate here in the world. I think everyone lately feels like LIVING and not wasting a second, I really do think everyone is feeling this way with all of the deaths. I know from personal experience that the way death moves and onlooker is totally different from the way it impacts the bystanders. Being an onlooker your heart goes out to the bystanders because you probably can relate, but being in the shoes of a bystander is though, you think so many things about how it’s not fair. The concept of how someone can be alive one day laughing with you, and dead the next doesn’t make any since. Nothing makes any since.
I know when I was in that kind of situation, it just made me just want to close up and not let anyone in because loving someone and losing them hurt so much, but I was lucky enough to have a friend that didn’t let that happen. She unknowingly showed me that I needed to open up more and faster because the time, days, hours, second, hugs we have with people are numbered and everyone you get is one you will never have again.
I have been though a lot of shit in my life and a lot of people would sit in my shoes, and say it’s not fair, but in every obstacle there is an opportunity to be gained. Everyone that I have ever loved or been attached to has left me, and it’s hard for a person not to take that personally and not be bitter about it, and sometimes I can be, but when it comes down to it we are all left by everyone in the end.
My life is why I am they way that I am in every way, and I wouldn’t change a second of it trade not a one of my tears for a smile. I really do genuinely believe in fate, and that means that I have to believe that, that person has fulfilled their purpose for being in my life and is needed in someone else’s, and I can be stingy but it wouldn’t change anything. I believe that everyone we cross paths with is there to teach us something. I look at everything in that way. Living in today’s society it is so easy to be angry and hate, be mean, and judgmental of others because we don’t like or understand why they are the way they are, and I get. I understand that I don’t know where they are coming from or what they may have to offer me but even if they end up stabbing me in the back I will have still gained from that experience. Ignorance has to be intolerable and people need to be open-minded. Everything is give and take. We have to see how beautiful everything is. We are all only flawless in our mistakes after all and we are only human after all. Life is isn’t ever not fair, so to be the people who go out and live, start loving..and start with yourself once you know who you are everything else will become so clear.
I am alive and I am LIVING.


We say Rest in peace.
When we need to live in peace.

I will follow you into the dark.

Ohhai. So I am sitting here, I just got home from work like things, which didnt take but a couple hours today and I am tired because I was up till 5 am with this cute girl I call my prince. The truth is that I would of been up anyway because my sleepy schedule is all FACKed up again, but I guess that is okay since next week I will be in California. I will fit right in im sure, well except for the being really white part.
GAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I cannot tell you how amazing it was to see my princes face. I cant wait till I get back from CA and I can hold her in my arms and NEVER let her go.

Right now I'm not thinking a whole lot about the future because I really dont know how its going to play out. I'm just trying to live in the right now and enjoy everyone why I have them. That is what I have accepted. That is what I should of done a long time ago.

I really do have the most amazing prince in the world.

Who did I have to fuck?

I am so stoked. Anna just told me today that she got the days off she requested so I should see her while I'm in CA.
I am so excited. and then in 22 days hopefully I will be sitting here with kaela in the skins.
asujdbvakubaegfiaubgf;uoefhba;lijbflksr
this is better then christmas.
so I am sitting here
asking myself
who did I have to fuck?

I want some Ink in my skin!

Anna just got another tattoo. Kaela is getting one. I WANT ONE! gahhh. Soon soon soon though I keep telling myself. Hopefully by september. :D lover tells me that she is going to come with me to get it. Which means she would be coming from NM and we would be together on our 5 months. ha. that would be so wonderful. Which is why it wont happen, but I am in the talks with my aunt since I think we are going to go together to get tatted up and hey. She wants to take me Ima let her. So yeah hopefully by september but I will figure out a better date as everything unfolds.

anyway last night I couldnt sleep and I had to get up early today for a hair appt. So right now I am sort of tired. I got new jeans. a blue and purple pair.
have I ever mentioned that I LOVE SKINNY JEANS??? well I do. So yeah. and I got bracelet strings to make bracebracelets with.

Today has been a pretty chill day.
I hope my prince is feeling better and is less hivey right now D:

lover planning.

Well the way things are looking is that I will get to see the lover this summer, after I run it over with grams, I am a little dissapointed that skyler thinks I am a 50 something petafile,The bad news is thatI will not get to see the west coast because her work wont give her time off to see me, but that is still okay because I will see her next year. And my prince well my prince is comming after I get back from CA as well. I know it. I told her she had to, and well yeah CA in like a week and a half I am Stoked for so many things. Everything is HERE. and bunched together. Before I know it college will be starting again and I need to remember to sign up for classes after I get back from CA as well.

nothing is happening today, its a really bummy like day but Lover plans are coming about. :DDDDDD

Shipshewana./ LOVER THREE MONTHS.

Okay so I didnt get the chance to write yesterday so I will start by telling you about my trip to Shipshewana, Indiana. So yeah it was the first time that I had ever been there. It was like a huge flea market. I saw a bunch of amish people. I heard one amish lady say "she can handle her own" and it made me smile that the silly amish lady was speaking so gangsterly. GAHH i dont know how amish people live the way they do. I give them mad props. btw I have found all the cute boys ha. They are amish. The ride there was only a hour and a half or so I colored on the way down and fell asleep on the way back. So I got a this hat in the photo and a couple other things and a couple gift gifts for my prince and lover I couldnt find anything for my west coast but I will get/make her something fosho. So yeah as you can see by the photo above I got really red. I was in the sun all day, and it was cool until the end when I got really baddddd cramps then I just wanted to go and my aunt and grams decided to be EVEN SLOWER.
GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
but all thats matters is that everything is okay now.

And today is a very important day.
1 year ago today tyler asked me out. I dont know why but that has been on my mind lately its kind of weird I've just been thinking about where I was this past week especially and everything that happened on those days and where I am now today a year later and I am so far from it, but its still there. I dont think that expierience will ever be fully behind me, needless to say I learned a lot.

but back to why today is a very important day to me this year.
Today is
LOVER 3 MONTHS
she wont be on to celebrate with me though because she is going to be in lots of teeeeefers pain. So I hope that it doesnt hurt to bad and that she is able to get on the nets sometime soon so that WE CAN CELEBRATE and plan seeing each other after I get backs from california in a couple weeks.

Oh and the lover is alright her dad was just very inconvenient but we will make shit work because we are soul fucking lovers.

Kinda Worried.

A year ago today right now I rememeber where I was and who I was with very clearly. I will never forget that night, but thats not really what is tying up my thoughts. The lover is always tying up my thoughts but I'm a little worried? I hope she gets on tonight, if she doesnt I wont know what to think.

Tomorrow I'm going to indiana with my grams and aunt. To go to Shipshawanna. I will be sure to tell how that went.

Today didnt turn out at all like I expected it too.
I woke up really late so I didnt work today.
Hopefully that will happen wednesday, but I did make it to a store, but not the one i wanted to attend. I found myself at kmart with my grams and aunt tonight because they wanted hair dye it was probably the first time I have never been interested in hair dye. I was looking for lover bracelet string things and they didnt have any. So hopefully we will go to meijer or something soon. I know we will.

Ps: I'm tired.

So today I noticed that I have unconciously been wearing a lot of red lately. I'm pretty sure I have worn it the last 4 days at least. Jeez. Today has been hmm..progressive. Lover tonight. idk if there will be dateage or not atm but we should start working out the kinks in seeing each other. Tomorrow. I dont know what I'm doing. Well I have a lot of plans/options. Grams says she is going to meijers and I really want to go with her. So hopefully I can get up early go with her so I can get bracelet strings. Then call the moms and go over to her house and works. Then come home and hopefully nap before a date. And tuesday I am headed to indy/indiana to go to shipshawana. I've never been so it will be an adventure nonetheless and I guess Cali is in two weeks. I'm sorta stoked.

lucifer says hi :) and that he doesnt miss your dusty shelf.

I have a perminent smile on my face right now and I'm pretty sure there is nothing anyone could say or do right now to take that away from me. So to catch up. I had a wonderful conversation with sarah last night mostly about the future and life like things. she certainly is a peach. and now well now I am talking to my lovely lady lover.
and we are talking about peas and I am totally lost but that doesnt seem to matter I guess. she is "proving a point" haha

The sunset was pretty tonight.

Today was boring bleh, but I'm in for some good conversation in a hour or so.

Sexy Job Holder/Slacker.

Well Since I havent written in here since monday I guess I can say what I've been doing, ha nothing really. I just suck.

I got the job. I start next week, I think. I dont know what to say really it's just been a really chill week.
I talked to kaela 3 days in a row it was epic :)
I'm looking forward to the end of next week when she is at her dads for a few days, and california is coming quick.

Idk right now I just have this overwhelming feeling. There are so many things I still want to do and even though its only the beginning of july I feel like summer is almost over.

I dont know if I will be able to see anna or kaela its just rediculous being this close to both of them right now and not being able to.

idk what to say really.

Ohh I know.
So last night I stayed at my moms and I was up all night watching movies by myself because I cant sleep in strange places really, I'm always so wide awake, and even though I used to call that place home it doesnt feel like home to me anymore, and I'm not really sure home feels like home. I just dont know.
but I watched this movie "the holiday" and it was better then I expected the intro is really what got me hooked more then the sappy love stuff

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms."

I love writers.