What is life..I'm tired of life.

So I havent written in here in a few days, and I'm sitting here, and I am amazingly on new levels of boredom. I know that I should be writing in here every second that I can because soon enough I wont be able to anymore, but it seems like I would just keep saying the same things over and again and besides wasting a little bit more of my life, would render useless.
This weeeeeekend has dragged on, as well as the last part of this past week. Tomorrow all I can really do is call places and ask them to hire me :P and that is what I will do. It will take probably a whole 10 minutes and the the rest of the day..Who knows. I feel like I'm just buying my time right now, and I feel stuck, and then once the 3rd gets here my last week and a half is going to fly by and I know it.
I hateeeeeeeeeeee sitting here so much right now, talking to no one. Emily is even online and we havent talked in days but I guess that ceases to matter, and kaela is busy, so busy lately, but its good at least when I'm not around to bug her anymore she wont have all this free time.

I wish I could come up with a single word right now to discribe my state of being not so much my mood or placement.

I couldnt sleep last night, I can never sleep anymore unless I am dog tired and when I'm not doing anything all day it takes a while for me to get seriously dog tired. Last night I was up and to my surperise Lyndz started talking to me, and even though now everything is cleared up, just some of the things she said are still sort of sticking to me and I'm not sure if she is even a little bit right.
I mean before, I didnt even consider that I was running away from my problems.
but am I? I dont really see what I have to run away from.
but one part she was dead right on is that I do rely on Kaela and Emily to make me happy, they are pretty much the only two good things in my life, and if it wasnt them right now it would honestly just be someone else. I need people to make me happy and relying on anyone that much will always make miserable, and I cant change that.
I just...I dunno...that conversation has stuck with me like walking around surrounded by this fog.
I want to find my own happiness, and I dont think that I will find it staying here, waiting on everyone who "loves" me to find the time in there lifes to see me. That doesnt make me happy.

I just I dont know.

The Futures near but never certain.

Today has been pulling at my heart strings and poking at my tear ducts. Life is so bitter. I want to run away from everyone and everything I know right now, then maybe I could be at rest with feeling this alone.

Some sort of Game plan?

Today is saturday and I have done absolutly nothing today, there is nothing to do really but kill time until monday.
Yesterday I went job hunting and monday hopefully I will be able to get out and do some more and hopefully kaela will have internets by then because I am dying not being able to talk to her right now.
I really need another job. The guy at RiteAid seemed to like me, so hopefully I can get a job there, that is pretty much what my heart is set on right now since it will be close to my moms and I can walk there and all.

These next few months are going to be rough.

One day...

Sarah just made my whole life I think. I feel so special right now.
These past few days have been rough. I've been doing a lot of crying and thinking..and crying, but right now..I'm good.

I'm not the type of girl to sit around and mope. I need to figure out What I'm going to do..where I'm going to go as fast as I can so I can start working toward it, and I figured it out I think.

Its going to be hard, but seeing kaela's face everyday will be the best feeling I think.

I wont have internet for a while after my birthday, so I probably wont be writing in this much at all. I will try to though when I can.


***deeeep breath***

****EXHALEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE***

happy brithday.

get the fuck out of my house.



what did I ever do that was so wrong?
why is everything always shit for me?

God; I needed to see that boy.

It is funny how you can get one thing accomplished and suddenly it feels like the weight of the world is off your shoulders. As of today I am going to college in the fall. Today I went down and signed up for my classes, and even without any photography ones I still am very pleased with what I have, besides this way hopefully I can save up money and be even better prepared for next semester instead of always stressing about how I'm going to get whatever.
I have this fafsa thing here I'm going to fill out that will give me more college monies in about a month or so, and my lab fees will be a lot less with only my drawing class. So that is good. hopefully i can start saving some monies. for seeing kaela during christmas and spring break....................and i still really want my chest piece that has been getting back burnered for the past year.

So I will have college and hanging out with kody a couple times a week.
ohhh yeah I saw kody today. he probably made my day. silly boy thing.
and then hopefully I can arrange things with aixa and tasa and see them as well so I will see some people.
I'm not really up for making new friends..not that I'm going to avoide it.

Today has been a good day.
when I woke up I just wanted to roll over and do this another day but I'm glad I got out of bed. Today was nice.

and Kaela got back in newwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwmexico today so webdates will become a thing of the very often and I'm pretty stoked about that.

Dont tell her why..

Today has been one of those really long boring pointless got nothing acomplished talk to no one kind of days.
Earlier I told myself that I wasnt going to write in here today but I feel like I need to. Since I have had 3 very important conversations since I wrote last night.

First was kaela. She always has a cute way of making me feel better, and then later last night probably the most benificial one was sarah. I didnt want to date her bacause I was in a horrible mood but I'm really glad that I did. I had to catch her up on CA, and Kaela's visit and then on everything else and why I was feeling the way I was, and some how that lead in to talking about college. Which was good, and i need to get down there tomorrow would be ideal. but I think I'm going to see about it tuesday morning. Tomorrow I'm going to call the facts people and see if I can get that taken care of before I sign up for classes they will drop me from for not doing facts within the first 24 hours.

and then tonight I talk to emily, which in a way has been the person I've wanted to talk to all along and at the same time I sort of didnt feel ready to talk to her, but after talking to her I always feel better and I do sort of.

Every since kaela has left, I've just been in this really weird mood. I realized a lot while she was here, well after she left.

I'm not happy right now, and I dunno how to change this situation I'm in.

I dont see anyone.
I dont talk to anyone.
The two people I talk to the most live a few hundred thousand miles away.
It's bullshit I havent seen anyone in the last 4 months.

and with emily there is this fine line..I know i shouldnt depend on seeing her so much, its not fair to be mad at only her for not seeing me. which I'm not only mad at her. I'm mostly mad at the situation, but I know that even if I got to see her alone that would be enough.
We had a really good talk tonight. That is one thing I've always loved about our relationship is that we can always tell each other how we feel and be totally honest and not have to worry about hurting the other persons feelings.

I love emily more then most things. I really do.

this was sort of vauge but i...i dunno.
I'm feeling a lot right now.
that I'm sitting with.

I'm sad..and I'm angry.

I had such an amazing time while kaela was here, and ever since she has gone home I have had this lump in my throat and knot in my stomach because seeing her hasmade me realize one thing more then anything else and that is how fucking pathetic my life has been. I havent seen not a one person out side of family in nearly 4 months. Kaela usually is nearly 300,000 miles away and still found a way to see me. I'm just really upset right now. I cannot stop crying and I feel like I have no friends at all, and the people that do call me there friend have a lot of balls. I'm angry that no one ever wants to see me and I have to spend everyday alone, by myself. It's not fun and its so hard and the only thing that ever really gets me through is knowing that I will see kaela or emily again but the truth is I havent seen emily in nearly 4 fucking months and I dunno when I will ever see her again. I feel like she doesnt have time for me anymore or when she does shed obviouslly be spending it with two other people. I am looking forward to seeing kaela around christmas but I'm not looking forward to the part that I'm afraid of...that I will spend each day alone and see no one until I see her again. I dont know weather to scream or to cry. I need change in my life. I need to see really people. I cant have my only real contacts be 2 girls that live hundreds of thousands of miles away and see no one in real life.

NO!

Today is the farthest day I have from seeing you next.

Right now I am sitting here and I'm sort of sad that kaela had to go home but at the same time I keep smiling rediculously because I got to see her and hold her and touch her cute face. I think that in a perfect would where we could be together all of the time, I would be the happiest kid in the world. I think their is something so special about this lovership we have formed that seeing her all of the time is the only nessisary thing, but on to the point of this blog, to tell you about my last few days.
I'm pretty sure my week, rocky though it started out will be better then the weekend all together even if I had plans. I've had the best time.

I woke up early wednesday morning to get ready to pick kaela up at noon! and as the time got closer the more my stomach started getting all knoted up, but then she was there and cute and I want to meet her in the skin all of the time.
Then we went out for nomnoms with my grams before she dropped us off at my moms so I could do the work like thing. Then it was to the park with kaela and jacob. Then we came home and took photos lots of them. then she made me dinner it was good even though our gravy was a fail aahah it was more like milk. then we made a fire outside and a tent in my room.
Waking up next to kaela is probably one of my favorite things.
I found myself looking at her over and over again thinking "your really here"
Then thursday was odd a bit. We had 3 dinners. went on a really long walk to see horses that werent even out, which led to awkward boyfriend calls. a picknic sort of and random lover cuddles. 5 month photos "my best friends girl" to a few hours of sleep and then to the bus station where i had to let her go home :(

I cannot wait till the day we meet again.

IN THE SKIN

the best day of my life possibly.
kaela is wonderful.

Nothing ever goes as planned.

Nothing at all.
So today I woke up and called my mom right away
because she said shed take me to the bus place to day and
to clean. So i call her...ring ring ring...blah blah blah...ill call you later//hangup.
I was pissed.
I was talking to emily and kaela at the same time about how pissed I was.
Because after all.
THIS WAS THE LAST DAY...the last CHANCE I had to see kaela.
it was now or not for a long time.
and i was pissed.
but all in the end worked out.
I went down stairs and told my grams what a cunt my mom was being.
and I knew already she had a funeral dinner thingy and was leaving at 2.
by this time it was around 1? or so i think.
So my grams said she would take me but then looked at the time and she really didnt have time to take me then come bring me home.
So I ran upstairs. Threw on church like clothes. without a shower I left with my grams.
That shows you how much I love this girl and how much I HAVE to see her.
So we go to the train place to get her ticket.
Then I go help her at her lunch thingy. and now I am home.
and tired.
but realieved that everything worked out in the end.
Tomorrow at noon. I will be picking up kaela.
and my prince might stop by as well.
I sure hope she can. Today was her first day of work and all. :D

Everythings gonna be alright.

Everythings gonna be alright..

So today has cleared a lot up for me and uncovered new problems.

So I woke up today and called the grey hound people to buy kaelas ticket online.
FAIL. but I found out why it wouldnt work for us last night;; because that ticket couldnt be put on will call. So the lady told me to go down to the local station and buy it that way...which I was already to do, but then I could not find my ID for the fucking life of me and then my mom called and said it was to hot and she wouldnt take me...just for a second even, and that she was coming out, so I had to look at her face all day.
ughhhh but she said that tomorrow she wanted me to work and if she wants me to work the she WILL take me to that fucking bus station. I will die if I dont get to see kaela even if its just for a day...like it will be now.

College. I WILL BE GOING TO COLLEGE. I found that out today. So I've been online all day trying to sign up for classes. First problem...they dont offer Phil at any time that I can take it. 2 problem...every class I want to take in its place...is during the two classes I WILL NOT CHANGE. SO then i got this brilliant idea that I could take Engl over because I need a higher grade in it anyway for it to transfer plus I already have the books for it.

Which brings me to my thrid problem....grams just informed me that I have to pay for everything by myself..and I'm not going to have enough money so I'm not really sure what I'm going to do about that. I need another job.

and then my 4th problem. FACTS! I hate signing up for facts. I always have issues with it.

So hopefully by tomorrow morning that will be all worked out. and I can sign up for classes after I get home from work after I get kaelas ticket so she can come!
and then I just need to figure out how to get more money.


gahhhhh
wish me luck.

today has been stressful for a girl that doesnt really stress about anything.
Right now I wish today was over, and its only dinner time.
I just finished doing dishes because I was that bored and now I'm listening to my mom and jacob yell at each other and the t.v. will continue to blare down stairs until they go home.
Today is def a day where you just have to go through the motions.
I'm looking forward to seeing kaela for at least 1 whole day! and emily for a bit.
I've missed my prince so very much.

UGHHHH!

i took this earlier. when everything with the world was fine. I was also on the phone with a lover girl.


Tonight is not my night in the least. I just found out that I might not be able to go to college in the fall and now I might not be able to see kaela because of stupid grey hound! Ughh I hate them. I didnt, but i do now. I NEEEEEED to see her before she goes back to NM.
Gahhh talk about getting kicked in the back of the knee. Everything was so great and now everything is so messed up.
I dont know what I'm going to do.
If I cant go to college then I will be getting another job asap. like I already planned but now I will work more, then hopefully I will go in the spring?
I dunno what I'm going to do right now.
I am real upset. mostly because I might not get to see kaela.
College as much as I want to go. I dont have money for books, so that would be something I dont have to worry about, but I really need to go because I need to see my prince only all of the time.


ughhhhh
FML
Usually I dont stress but tonight I am very stressed.


grrr grey hound :/

Baby it's fact.

well our love is true
the way black is black
and blue is as blue.
My love is true.
its a matter of fact.

Well I'm sort of bored at the moment, just sitting here so I figured it was ample opportunity to write here in my little blog thing.
Lately I've been really wanting to write something but it seems I cant get out the words and they are rather just clogging up my veins. I'm not sure how I feel right now, in time I will.
Lately my life has consisted of work and silly lover texts before bed. I have been smiling so much lately, so much more than I deserve to. Kaela will be here in a couple of days, before I didnt feel nervous at all, but now I can feel my heart beat getting stronger as that moment gets closer and I know that soon enough I will be able to hear my heart beating in my ears. It will be quite the rush. I cant wait to meet her in the skin.

It seems like these past few weeks I've been getting by on less and less, and usually this would bother me, but right now I am content, and I feel like I have more then I have had all along. I can honestly sit here right now and say that I am happy, sure I am worried about a lot of things and how they are going to work out, but I am a happy girl. I know that what is meant to be will ALWAYS be.

Ready. Aim. Fire.

let the pieces land where they may.


Sooooooooooooooooooo. I am back from californicating. I've been back 2 whole days now, but Ive honestly just been to lazy/busy doing other things. Because yes I am back in MI but there is so much that I still needed to be taken care of and for now everything is good. Lover is coming on the 11 because she has to take a bus to me with a rediculously long rout. if only they know the quickest way to get here was straight to my heart.
Hmm so before I tell you about my trip. I want to write about something else that I am really excited about. Emily got a job today! well actually yesterday being 8.6.09
which hopefully means everything like. her staying home. going to college. and seeing me on regular basis. I couldnt be happier about that. I've missed my prince so fucking much this summer I dont know how I have survived 4 months with out her cute smile.

Right now everything is pench me if i say it "perfect" ish. everything is really great. like i said kaela is coming! that in it self is epic that i get to see her, since we have spent most of the summer doubting it would happen, or at least I have been, and now it is here and happening she is going to be here sitting next to me in count them 4 days!
and hopefully I will be seeing my prince around that same day, and then like I said college starts back up on the 3rd so I seriously need to get my butt in gear and sign up for classes.

Right now everything is good. Everything after right now is sort of in the air and I'm just hoping I can juggle everything so it works out as smoothly as it can.
I have so many things coming up that I'm going to need money for, and it feels almost impossible to even think about asking for money from grams and to pay for it all myself and SAVE? any kind of little money that I am making I am going to need a second job so that is something else that I need to work on. My birthday is almost a month away and each day as it is getting closer it is looking less likely that I will get my chest piece. So if you are reading this and want to get me something for my birthday give me money for my chest piece and I will love you forever!

Life is getting so busy. This year is going to be great I know it I have so much to look forward to. So many things to start planning for as well. I have no idea where I will be this time next year, but I sort of know what direction I want to head.

Okay so now it is time for California talk.




so flying was amazing. I was a little nervous at first because I have never flown before but once I was there expieriencing it. It is honestly one of the most amazing things I have ever done, and I want to do it over and over and over.


The first full day I was there I went swimming in the ocean. With Dave. Lisa. Ty. Arreal. and Kendal. Ughhh salt water tastes so gross and you cannot help but get it in your mouth. eww, but none the less I had a blast except for the part where we were there for 5 hours and I got 2nd degree burns everywhere a Bikini doesnt cover. So that pretty much ruined the rest of the week for me but I still had a nice trip the family I met was the most amazing family I have and probably will ever meet. They were all so sweet.
and then the wedding.












The wedding was so amazing. It touched me in a way that I cannot discribe, but rather has given me this feeling to sit with.
and that is what I will end this blog with these pretty pictures.